Dan took me home to meet his family this past week..
I was extremely hesitant to join He and his long-time-friend, Chris on this excision. I had my reasons to not go, and most all of my fears have materialized from my mind and become valid... my worst fucking nightmare.
I have spent thursday until just thismorning being absolutely miserable from altitude sickness.. it happens every time I come here. Upon that I was being (possibly more so than necessary) apprehensive about joining in on most of the family conversation and activity. Generally I am not one bit of worried about what others think of me, but these people could possibly end up being my family. Therefore, it overrode my default of "yea, you can hate and I wont care". In fact, im a bit worried I have worked too hard to seem "normal" to them. I dyed my hair back to (mostly) "normal" colors. although Ive done absolutely nothing to stray from my usual wardrobe, I have only put my hawk' up once while here. It was on Dan's birthday, by his request.
And I must say, his birthday was such an utter disaster it made me depressed and further Ill..
It went completely wrong, and he confessed to me later that night that he had considered committing suicide. Being that we are out in the middle of bumfuck nowhere and his entire family are gun carrying people, this made me entirely too nervous. As it is a complete valid possibility that he could have gone through with it. We were both miserable and so very upset with each other that evening. I am beginning to worry more and more that both of our "split personalities" are getting the better of us sometimes. he also confessed a few other very harrowing gruesome things to me that shook me to my core. I spent the latter half of the evening trying to keep him out of hysteric fits of tears..
Up until today I have been having an honestly miserable time. I am thrilled to be here, but mentally and bodily I have felt worse than sick. Even a bit today I was carsick. And I feel very stuck in the middle of Dan and Chris. Chris has accompanied Dan to CO on a couple occasions, and generally they go out on hikes and usually a "survival trip" where they disappear into the mountains for a day or so.. Unfortunately, this trip, it will not occur. Despite my urging, for a variance of reasons. but I believe it is my fault. Dan blames the weather and the lack of good timing. We leave in about 2 and a half days for home now and Dan still needs to see his mother again before we go. Chris is rightfully annoyed, because as he put it he "spent quite a lot of money to drive all the way to CO and hang out in Dan's dad's house get drunk, play Wii, and sit around.".. When he said that earlier in the car on the way back from what I had perceived as the first successful full day here, my heart just sank. I felt awful all over again. Chris said that Dan was like this with another girl (Dan's most recent ex) when he was here previously. And I cant help but feel im just another version of her.. here. Taking him away from his family (which he seldom visits) and quality time with his best friend (which he just became an ex-rommate to, to move in with me)...
It makes me feel like a horrible person. And I realize that he will do as he pleases, and I would like him to do exactly that, and be happy. afterall, it is HIS vacation. Though we have come for his birthday, and for me to meet his parents. Above all, it is HIS vacation. I want him to be happy, and I want him to make his family happy as well.. I am so afraid that they will think I am trying to keep him from interacting with them. Truthfully I have several times suggested he go spend more time with them, or Chris. But instead he continued to be around me. And if that is what he truly wants, then that is what -I- want, too.. It just worries me. Like I said, I do NOT want to be -that girl-..
As I sit here and write this Dan, Chris, his niece, and one of her friends are sitting at the kitchen table playing Monopoly. I feel that Dan wants me to be near him, even just to sit next to him even if Im not playing. But this entire ordeal both today and prior has made me incredibly antisocial. In a fearful kind of way. In my head, I suppose I'm sitting here saying "if I just sit really still nobody can/ will see me". Dan says he has something planned for he and I tonight. However it is uncharacteristically cool for a June night here in CO, I'm worried this plan too will become ruined... As I said before, if pulling me away for himself is what he wants and what will make his vacation pleasurable for him, then that is what will also make me happy.
In the days to come I look both excitedly and very sadly upon our departure. I am desperately homesick (keep in mind Ive spent all 22 years of my life in the same spot, both in my country and in my state, as well as property). However I yearn to know more of his family. But I also remain (but am becoming ever so decreasingly) afraid of opening up to his Mom and Dad and truly getting to know the two people who will inevitably become some of the most important people in my life. I feel like my discomfort in my own mind and body has robbed me of part of this experience. And it frustrates me so greatly. I'm trying not to allow it to ruin the rest of this trip. but the situation with Chris also weighs heavily in my shoulders. His relationship with Dan is incredibly important to me, for Dan's sake. I do not want (and fear this could be) one of the last vacations or trips we take Chris along for.
I have spoken with Chris at great lengths this trip, and my friendly relationship with him has grown quite rapidly. He has admitted to me that this is nothing new, how Dan is acting with me. That previously he has been on camping trips and back home here to CO with him, while he had a girl with him.. And every time he acts the same. Clingy to the girl and dissociative of friends/ family/ situations.. And he is sick of it. I dont blame him -at all-. As it places him in and awkward and inconvenient situation. Although Chris is a social butterfly, for sure, What he said earlier about driving over 1000 miles just to sit around really upset me, for him. Because its true. I know Chris would never say anything out of anger or spite, and I think he is genuinely upset by this trip.
It has been an utter and total disaster, and has caused me such a tremendous amount of stress. I wanted to come out here, meet Dan's family and have a wonderful time relaxing and getting to know MY new family. Instead I have spent my time worried, stressed, sick, upset, depressed and stretched to my limit of patience and comfort so many times. I feel I have made a total fool of myself, and Dans parents will tell him once I am gone that I am not a good match for him, that I am a bad and selfish woman. I feel shamed. And all of these feelings clash so badly with my want to make Dan happy on his visit home.
..if i could break into pieces at this very second, I think I would turn to dust from the shattering and splintering..
