"Dear Die-ary, today I stuffed some dolls full of dead rats I put in the blender. I'm wondering if, maybe, there really is something wrong with me."
I have spent the greater part of the day dragging my ass around my house. Staring out the windows, grumbling about the weather and itching my skin off. Anxiety blows giant chunks. I simply hate ice, I refuse to leave the house. y parents bribed me with money to leave the house today and even my broke-as-all-hell-and-needs-food self couldnt bear to even stick the key in the ignition of my truck.
Later in the evening the creativity monster sunk its teeth into me and I started ripping pieces from its mouth and smearing them onto canvasses and bristol.. and cardboard. Once I became satisfied with my projects and surveyed my bedroom.. and myself to come to find that during one of the canvas washes I had splattered myself in blood red acrylic. It always seems to go as such. I come out of these things truly looking like I was draining myself of bits of me. I am quite pleased. it has been such a long time since I was capable of not only two consecutive nights of art-making. But I now have 4 projects started, and tomorrow i plan to start at least 3 more.
I so desperately want to once again be able to make a living off my art. and there is no better way to begin, but to start making things to show.
It annoys the piss out of me that I allowed my ex-finance to call me a "drugged up club whore".. and then allow it to be as such. for several months. The self loathing in regards to almost all the decisions I made several months ago is truly agonizing. if i had pushed myself continuously the way I was at this very time last year, I could be making a "full time" paycheck. God. Damnit.
I'm trying to hard to stir up that same driving force within myself that kept me on top for so many years. I use to be so proud of the fact that I was a highschool dropout and was doing everything "they" said I would never be able to. Now I truly am (mostly) your typical highschool dropout.. except quit a bit more spoiled. I dont work in fast food, and I dont live with my parents, and my IQ is slightly above average. ugh..
I am a workhorse at heart. And its been sickening me to look in the mirror every day and watch myself become less and less me.And more and more of the things and people I hate. I told myself yesterday on the drive home from Dragon's that it was time to suck it the fuck up. And do it myself or get over it and give up, and find some piece of shit job.
I wont subject myself to a mainstream piece of shit life. I am me. And I always seem to take the hard route. If I didnt have Dragon, I suspect my breakup would have absolutely crushed me. There is no doubt in my mind I'd be locked up the the local psychiatric ward. Dragon has made me see my true value, and that somebody really dose care about me. He makes me believe I am worth something, and for once in my life.. I really need to. He is my inspiration in so many aspects.
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