I have tried to remain neutral about this. I have tried ignoring it. Nothing seems to prevent or banish this issue. I suppose I should fully explain before I truly begin;
When I broke up with my fiancee, I doubted I would ever love anybody more, or even equally to how I had loved him. I have found this to be harshly untrue, although it has taken me quite some time reach this level with Dan. Its undeniably there.. I believe it was my own fear of feelings that prevented me from allowing it sooner.
When the breakup first occurred, and for several months thereafter I spoke with Dustin quite frequently. I wanted to see him, and be near him as much a possible. He, not so much. but I think for the sake of healing my wounds, he allowed me to talk to him. And would even visit from time to time. Despite my hysteric reactions to him. And how most all of our interactions ended with for a while, he was his classically quiet patient self with me.
Once he saw that the the wounds had scabbed, my cuts healing. He began backing off. He would still text or even call me from time to time. He would ask how Dan was too.. genuinely interested in my overall happyness. Up until about a month and a half ago, when I stopped returning his calls and texts.
Its not that I have any ill feelings towards him. Its not even that I want him out of my life. I just dont feel the need any longer to be linked to him, even through friendship. I am past the part in my life where I found our union to be of any use. I would not outright refuse to remove him from my life entirely at the request of Dan. But I would need a definite, good, reason.
He is still in my contacts list on my phone, though we never talk.
He is still a friend of mine on facebook, though I have removed him from my newsfeed.
Why? Why would I stop talking to a person who genuinely cares for me? Who was patient and careful with me, even after I had traumatized him?
..Because I love somebody else. Because I love them so much I do not want to risk anything with them.
I cant think of one thing I could need him for, because Dan provides me with absolutely everything I could possibly want, or need. Emotional, Physical, Monetary, Spiritual. More. Its all there.. It took me a long time to come to terms with the fact that a new era of my life had begun, and it was time to move on. And sometimes, it means you need to purge the past. Including the people who dwell there. Even if they were once important to you.
I wont deny, that if my phone rang at some obscene hour, and Dustin was in trouble, I would not be genuinely worried, and want to help. However; I would abstain. Its no longer my place. Our ties of love, long since severed. And our lines of friendship have begun to fade. This dose not mean I will forget him, but his has begun to dissolve into my memory. Just a ghost.
I never realized how hard it would be to get over somebody, somebody who nearly became part of my Family, and me theirs. And I never would have guessed how easy, and simple, letting go of that exact same somebody would become.
Why would I even say these things? Or for that matter, bring them up and write about them? ..for one because Its not meant to be forgotten. For another; this has been the preface to my REAL issue. The things that have dug into my skin for several days now.
At first I was generally displeased. But as the obvious began building.. I felt more like somebody was shoving pins under my fingernails and forcing me to turn a blind eye and smile.
I can no longer do either..
The following is a collective confession; and an expression of general distaste:
On friday night Dan flew off the handle. I will write about it some other time, when the damage from it is not so fresh in my mind. But needless to say it was traumatic for both of us.
In the heat of the situation, I grabbed HIS phone, in attempt to contact a roomate of his. Who also happens to be a long-time-friend of his as well. I figured Chris, if anybody else right that second would be able to tell me how to handle this violent (and that is putting is kindly) outburst of Dan's.
I walked out to my Barn, and sat beside my horse. I began flipping through his current texts, confident there would be one from Chris. however what I found was: A whole lot of me.. a few from my best friend ( who has become a mutual friend of both Dan and I)..more me, a couple from an ex of his I'm thoroughly comfortable with..more me.. No Chris..
..and then..
A name I NEVER wanted to see on his phone; EVER. I have never heard Dan speak Ill of her, but never favorably. Not since I have known him..
An ex girlfriend of his, a girl he was involved in an "open" (I always suspected closed) long-distance relationship with, when we first met. The girl who I basically drove him to the airport to fly out and see at Thanksgiving. The girl whom I had to hear about all the way back home, once I picked him up from the airport the following week. I got to listen to the story of their "bad breakup" ( how she was so hysteric he almost stayed in a hotel, and how she made his visit home a living hell) And hear Dan talk about how he wanted nothing to do with her -ever again-.
I was aware they had exchanged messages through facebook; and that he was very displeased with her general demeanor towards him.. But I was under the impression that those final messages were just that..That he had no interest in continuing any sort of relationship; friendly or otherwise with her. I suppose I was grossly wrong. I'm nearly afraid of knowing just how much so. Its quite obvious he is hiding this all from me. He deletes his sent messages to her, which just leaves me me suspicious, angry and morbidly curious..
Its true, I misread the "offending message" several times. and as I did my malice and anger only grew and grew. Until -I- had reached nearly the same fire-and-brimstone disposition Dan was currently in that night.
I proceeded to go through his ENTIRE phone. deleting any photos of any other girls; I didnt care if they were her or not. To me; they needed GONE NOW. and so they were, with the click of a button.
It seemed (and still dose seem) unfair to me, that he would have any level of care for this woman. After all the things he said about her, after all the things he said that she said and did to him, and supposedly put him through. WHY? why would one care?
He claims its because he thinks "she is a good woman".. this is not what I was hearing from him several months ago. nor dose it add up.
I can definitely relate to having a general concern for an Ex, As I said above about Dustin. However, I also mentioned; despite anything. I would abstain. Wether that means bailing him out of jail, or some simple advice. My reaction would crest no higher than " gee, that must suck, im sorry".
Dan told me friday, as he was bleeding all over my bathroom. The reason he began speaking with her, again; is because
-I- was not talking to him that night. And he was "having a bad day at work"..
Out of curiosity, I grabbed him phone again today. Upon seeing he had (several) messages from an unlabeled number that consisted of nothing -but- pornographic images..I promptly deleted these. And then I opened the "offending" message up again, and read it.. then scrolled to the nearest message from me. They are from the very exact same day, one fucking minute apart.
I was furious again. And now I am unable to fathom where to begin. I feel almost cheated on. I feel sick to my stomach. I want to cry and hit things, and tell Dan what a fucking lier he is ( and a shitty one at that).
I want to have some sort of extremest reaction to all of this. But I am so numb from all of the previous events this past week.. that I simply find myself unable to react.
I suppose that I just cant understand. Why cant he give me the same benefit that I have given him? I have removed my previous Ex from my life. Almost entirely. While he has simply continued stirring the pot with this woman. I was with Dustin for half a decade; he was with this "cassy" for a matter of months. One would think that being such a brief time together, it would make it even easier to cut the lines of contact and move on. despite her being a "family friend".. for gods' sake. Dustin and I -were- family.
I suppose I will never be good enough to be treated equal. I will always be given just a little less. And always expected more of.
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