It is impossible for me to sleep without Dragon beside me, or a strong kick in the head from some sort of sleep aid, or sleep inducing substance.
My stress level lately is through the roof. And I can barely take it all anymore. between Dragon moving in, finishing school, and working still, Danni's home problems, Danni (possibly) running away, All of my animals seemingly misbehaving at exactly the same moment, the constant need of shit i cant afford..
Fucking christ I could go on all night.
And when I lay here in bed, and try to close my eyes. All I can think about is all these issues.
I dont think I will be able to afford sacred earth.. and I have begun to come to terms with this.. I'm Ok with it. but it dosent make me happy.. If I dont go to Sacred Earth I can buy myself -some- new clothes, I can get some things for the house I have been desperately needing/ wanting for a long time. And maybe I can even have some left over to put away.
Its funny, how monetary issues can really beat the kid out of you.. In a more relevant term for myself, its beaten the raver kid out of me.
I'm so down about it. I did it all last summer, all last minute and not a fucking cent to my name.. somehow I still partied my ass off. but I'm STILL paying for it in the long run. With more than just money-debt.
I'm irritated as fuck right now. About all this bullshit. I snapped on Dragon several times earlier tonight, and I'm even more pissed off now at myself for that. I'm worried he thinks i'm trying to push him away. I'm worried I offend him by not letting him buy me things. To a certain extent I will allow him to purchase everyday things.. but I just feel so awkward and weird, even thinking of allowing him to buy me things like bras and underwear (something I need desperately). Sometimes I think I should just give in, but then he starts talking about how short on money he is. and it confuses the living crap out of me, and just makes me want to SCREAM. WHICH IS IT!?!?
I'm still debating what to do about sacred earth. truly, it will be determined by how much cash I receive for my birthday. but I feel like every little bit I get, seems to trickle out of my hands or..hell.. sometimes i think that shit just evaporates.
I'm so glad nobody is around right now at this ungodly hour to see me so freaked out. I'm so confused and mad and sad and upset. I'm wound up so tight inside my head, nothing seems plausible anymore just constant nagging in the back of my brain. Of things I cant do, things I cant own, places I cant go. Everything is just one more "add it to the list" necessity. Something that will come in time with patience and perseverance.
I'm done telling myself "just one more week", or "hold out for a little while longer". I'm done with this tense and nervous shit, Ive reach my breaking point. Sometimes I really want to go back to my chaos and disorder. Pulling bills out of thin air, and living for the moment.
Constantly, I'm reasoning myself against it.. to not indulge and not splurge. to not spend every cent that I have. but life takes care of that for me. every dollar I get seems to go into some animals mouth. ..I got a check today for $50, and that is going to buy grain, cat food (for 3 cats), and paying for me to go out to dinner with Jamie for her birthday. I will be LUCKY to have $10 left over from all that. It drives me crazy.
Dragon keeps telling me to make lists of the shit I need. I dont even know where to start.. Razors, bleach, cat litter, cat food, carpet cleaner, toilet cleaner, FOOD FOR ME TO EAT, toilet paper, light bulbs, face wash, sleeping pills, mouth wash, ..this list could go on for fucking ever too.
and I would feel terrible even asking him for -any- of these things. I felt like a terrible person last sunday when I grabbed a can of Hairspray for prom. I was like "what the hell am I doing?!".
His generosity and genuine nature is unlike anybody I have ever met before. I love him for it. but its difficult for me to accept him doing these things. I dont want to make him feel like he has to support me. its not that I dont appreciate it.. but I'm afraid of it. I dont want it coming back to bite me in the ass..
I dont know what the hell to do. I dont want to give up the one thing ive been looking forward to since the goddamned snow first thawed. ive been planning this trip since i can remember.. and now I'm most likely going to have to give it up.
FUCK!
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