It is true, the beast dose have a heart..
Insomnia has settled on me once again. I find this to be my affliction any time summer rolls around. It seems to be impossible for me to ever keep a normal sleep schedule. I lay here in bed and my brain converses. and as I lay here remembering the past several months of my life, which have both crept, then flown by. I am left wishing I could tell him these things, right now.. and If he would listen, or hear me.. I have so many things I want to say to Dragon.
"Somewhere along the lines the stress demystified us both prematurely. We have seen the ugly sides of each other too soon, I believe. But it was a harsh reality we were bound to face. Despite this, I love you even more. And it has allowed me to love you wholly as YOU, and everything you are and can be.
Lately I have found myself detached and unwanting of any kind of attention of affection. the idea of interaction with anybody is like a hot knife on my skin. It is not that I do not want you, I have begun loosing faith in people. I still want you close, and I still want to connect with you. I just feel so bitter inside im afraid to connect with you for fear I will share that bitterness and hatred with you as well. I do not want to contaminate you with my disgusting emotions and thoughts.
I am plagued constantly with fears.. and every small thing around me only feeds into them; Just today, as I was leaving.. I saw one of your shirts by the end of your bed. I miss having them always in mine. Always having a pile of them to sleep with, all smelling of you. I know they have been worn more frequently by you now, as you work on our home... But I feel as if they have slowly made their way back to you.. I wonder sometimes if you do not wish for me to have them any longer.. And my beloved collar. Though it may not be a sign of my submission, or your ownership, to you, any longer. It represents something to me. A promise. Something that is untouchable. and as of recent, I feel that untouchable promise is being molested in every sense of the word.
The little things that use to reassure me have begun to fall to pieces. Last night as we slept together, I felt our fingers intertwine as I slid my arm around you. For a brief second it seemed so perfect, and then I tore my hand from yours. I do not understand. I want you so badly, I want to be as close to you as I can be. I think it is because I am scared.
My love for you is unlike anything I have ever experienced before. It is almost as if it existed before we both lived. It has been like a fairy tale mixed with the grimmest nightmare. But everything has become extremely tangible and painstakingly real, quite suddenly. I look fondly on our first few months together, and then think of how much both of us have changed. Those moments seem a lifetime away now.
The one thing that has never changed is the fact that, I love you. I do not think one thing could ever change that. I have questioned our relationship in truth, only once. I dont need to remind you why. You have the proof on your hands. Despite that incident..Nothing could shake the undeniable link you and I have.
I hate when you always think I am upset with you, twisting things you say, or trying and turn everything against you.. its not true. I wish so badly for you to stop thinking I am attempting to insult or hurt you. My only valid complaint of you thus far however, is I find your planning skills to be rather lacking.
I hate being in charleston so much. I loathe that place to the bottom of my soul. Every time I am there, your demeanor changes and you immediately become something very unlike what you are when you are "home". You force smiles, you exude stress and negativity. It makes you so hard to approach. At times I become so frustrated I just wan to stop trying.. But I cant stop. even if it hurts. I would die for you to be happy.
Soon, You will be here. In this tiny slice of dilapidated paradise. Together we will make this place shine, and we will make it our own. We will create our life together. Like I told you before.. My life with you is unlike my life with any other person. instead of searching for all of our puzzle pieces, we each had half to begin with. We have our boarder created. Now we just need to begin filling in the middle spots and snapping the large pieces in..
I never know how to say these things when I am near you. ..Maybe it is being tired that forces them out of me. But if you were here right now, I would tell you that I love you, again. And that nobody else in this world could, or will, ever mean as much to me as you do.
I cant wait to spend the rest of everything with you."
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