For months and months I have watched things spiral. my life, my relationships, my happiness, my health, my sanity. I feel like I have gotten a brief hold on everything, if only for a moment to begin pulling it out of the drain. I see all these little pieces disappearing, some of them can go, but for a while I was sure I might never look in the mirror and see myself.
I have been having the average questions any new submissive and or slave might have in a new 24/7 M/s relationship. "am i still submissive?" has been the largest one. I have realized that my suddenly un-compliant nature is nothing more than my fear of the situations I am encountering on a daily basis. I feel frozen, trapped. And Dragon has been feeling quite a lot of stress, which occasionally makes Him very emotionally unavailable for myself. There are days I desperately want to fall crying into His arms because I feel so overwhelmed, so beat down, and so raw at days end.
There are days when I have done so, even against His will. My doing so only inflames the shame I feel. I do wish to deal with these problems on my own, but as of late I have felt very neglected. I hate myself for feeling this way. These feelings just entrap me more. Sometimes I feel so very useless to Him, something more to consume His precious time.
Truthfully I have underestimated my new life from the beginning. In the past weeks I have begun to truly taste what it really means to be His. A slave, owned.. Being in service to Dragon, can sometimes be a real pain. We both have to take care of all of our own responsibilities that come with having a career, taking care of our property and cars, and all the other modern "conveniences" that for some reason seem to make life more complicated than convenient. On top of this I also have the responsibility of taking care of the house (I consider this His home, a place we share and call ours), my truck and modern conveniences (charging electronics, responding to emails, etc). To me, it is daily pressure times two. Sometimes it can become so incredibly overwhelming.
I try so hard to handle it, to make it look so easy that Dragon, believing that the service ability of His "good girl" is a terrible thing to waste, hoping he piles on a few more tasks for myself to do in my "spare time," whatever that is. I find myself reaching down inside myself to find that last ounce of energy that I've hidden away, and keep on going.
But then, despite my efforts, to appease, to please, to show my submission, to create a delightful homecoming each evening and show that I am generally fully competent in every task.. Naturally, I am tired. Add on the variables of chronic spine pain (in both my lower back and neck), sickness due to a haggard immune system, or just a plain old hard day..Dragon, doing all He can to be the responsible Master, decides that what I need is rest. No play tonight, or the next night or the next etc., etc., etc. By this time I start to wonder, to doubt, ok, i've worked my ass off, done everything i'm supposed to, yet i don't get any of the rewards, (i.e., play time. ) What's wrong with me? Am i no longer attractive to Him? Do i no longer spark His desire to play with me? Rest? That's the last thing i want. Want to rejuvenate me? Then take me in and beat the crap out of me. Throw me around, use me, show me I am still Masters "good girl".
For a long while I began to doubt.. "Why am i doing this?".." i could find any number of play partners without having to go through all these other hassles. Why did i become His slave anyway?"
It doesn't take long for me to come up with the reasons why. Despite all the hassles, all the headaches, and heartaches all the self-questioning of worth, deep inside I know why. It's because I love doing it. I need to serve and I know I have the best Master anyone could ask for. All I have to do is swallow a little of my pride (all it does is get in the way), talk to Dragon and tell Him, "i need Your help and understanding."
Of course, admitting this is the last thing I want to do, being The Infallible Pwny Girl and all. So I bang my head against the wall a few times (damn, now i've got to fix the hole in the wall), slam a few doors (oh no, i heard a crash, what broke?), drop kick the cat across the room (it's ok, he's already deranged, another concussion won't hurt him much) or go shopping (oh wait.. we are broke and feel guilty for so much as dropping a quarter in the washer..) until I finally get rid of enough anger and frustration to admit to Dragon that I can't do it all.
But its not just that easy.. He is always so wrapped up in stress, so engulfed in Himself lately I feel like I cant reach Him. So sit and I watch Him, He comes into our bedroom on His laptop and we sit beside each other.. Until I finally spit something out.. and lately it never comes out right. I always sound angry (and maybe I sometimes am) I seem to always offend Him. Which only exacerbates my upset more. The very last thing I want is to displease Dragon in ANY way.. And it seems to me that even if i roll over and expose my belly, He exercises some extremest act that makes me regret even considering talking with Him.I understand some of His volatile nature is stirred from deep within, a defense mechanism for dealing with His own fears, doubts and current wounds. I just dont know what to do, I feel like the more I try to reach Him, the more He pulls away.
So I have tried leaving Him be, only to have Him confused as to my silence. Upset that I have not shared _______ or invited Him to _________. It only perplexes me more, and makes me feel as if I am being told to run, but being held back. The tension I feel between us sometimes is so strong that I feel like I it is strangling me.
I do wish that He would know that I do not mean to resist, disobey or cause any disgruntled for Him. I am here to serve Him, and Dragon has admittedly given me a very wonderful life thus far. My job is making Him happy, but when He gives me nothing to fuel myself with, it is a bit like demanding your vehicle drive you to work, on an empty tank. I remember Him telling me when we first got together, that our physical contact, and positive interaction was a bit like fuel to Him. It has become the same to me. Our relationship in these terms fluctuates just as the price of gas does. One minute it is quite acceptable, the next.. absolutely outrageously expensive (in so many ways, monetarily, mentally, emotionally). It leaves me empty, and afraid to ask to fill up. My fear makes me unwilling, balky, headstrong.
My biggest wish, would be for Dragon to begin coming to me again. Without feeling "obligated" to do so.. To talk to me about his issues, and to ask me what is truly going on. To be reassured that even if I'm angry, sad, upset, it will be OK. That I can let it out, no holds barred.
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