Another Life

"I'm shell-shocked from some heavy blows

A stranger to the people I know

They who used to say "she never had a down day"

Now I'm holding on to can't let goes

And silence brings no peace"

Absolute agony, the want to curl up and die. Anything would feel better than I feel right this very second. Ever since I was a teen, and first began bleeding like a dying animal I have always had issues. But none so bad as they have been for the past 2 years. After I quit taking birth control I did not bleed for almost a year, and then when I did it came back with a vengeance.. then mysteriously would disappear occasionally. Unto which it would it would scare the ever living shit out of me. Recently, since I started seeing Dragon this past September and everything has suddenly -really- come back, with regularity and vengeance.


I blame it on pure primal instinct. My body recognizes that Dragon is the Alpha, and he is a well suited mate. Therefore, its screaming "BREED WITH ME". I do not appreciate this, though I do quite agree.. Though do not appreciate the manner my body is communicating in. I have never experienced such crippling, body wracking, goosebumps making, chill invoking cramps. The violent mood swings and blackest most irrational bouts of depression (I'm talking going from hunky-dory at noon to ready to kill myself by 5pm and fine again by 9pm). 


Im so done with it. On top of all of this, a few weeks ago I had strep and was taking antibiotics, which I have a feeling I was not prescribed on on long enough of a dosage. I feel exactly as I did this past summer when I had Mono. fuck. my. life. My throat is swollen on the right side so bad I can barely swallow anything, my appetite has seemingly vanished, and my middle back is so sore that it sometimes hurts to breathe. Oh, yes, and I occasionally spike random high fevers. JOY! This on top of getting my cycle this morning was just a goddamn kick in the nuts I seriously sometimes wish I had.


I do not wish to go home. I want to curl up with Dragon and just cry and cry. I dont want to deal with all the shit at home. I hate going home alone, being without him there. Though after this weekend I do feel substantially better about the main reason I never wanted to be there. The main reason I was having such an issue with my house was the fact that my ex fiancee and I remodeled it last year before we moved in.. and the house itself just constantly was a reminder to me that he is no longer around. 


Saturday night I acquired a considerable amount of mushrooms from a friend of mine, and Dragon and I proceeded to have a grand time with said friend, and my best friend. Halfway through my trip I came and sat down on my bed and just.. thought. and thought. thought about how much I am in love with Dragon, and how he has changed my life so much since we started dating. I also figured out our official "anniversary date" is November 4th 2009. I became his collared slave on December 19th 2009. It seems like we have been together so much longer, but I think its because we did it "right". We saw each other for a considerable amount of time before we really started dating.
Sitting on my bed I turned to the last remaining thing I was keeping close of Dustin's, dug it out from between my mattresses, walked into the kitchen and stuffed it into my trash can. good-fucking-bye. I returned to my spot on the bed, and felt an entirely new sense of "im over this". Like I had disposed of the very last piece that was left to torment me. And now, I lament no more.


Now Im sitting here waiting for Dragon to get home from work. I hate sometimes how clingy we are to each other. I really have begun to let loose with it, and I think he might actually be enjoying it.. I'm just scared it will end up pushing him away in the end. We are both so very alike,  almost as if we are each others twin. ha, imagine that.. Two Geminis.


In other Stellar news, I've started outlining my website so I can finally finish it. Such a bastard child.. I also got a complete sketch done and outlined last week, as well as a painting, an entire set of fluffies (leg warmers) and fixed my corset. I want so badly to do what I want, how I want. And I was SO damned close last year. If im not back to where I desire to be by May, I will have totally failed myself.. and then I really will curl up and die.