Dose this color of blue go well with my bruises?

"I believe everything you say 
Cuz' you're not frightened
the way I've been so
So I'll follow you"

The sickening optimist in me wont let me just sit. It seems I cant ever be alone, even when i'm alone. 

I hate being in such a foul mood. Why? Who would know, but one might think I could understand my own dimensions. Never. Always.

I have two homes that i'm never home in. I cant ever wait to get on the highway. To sit in my truck, to know i'm nowhere but I know where I am.

I sometimes feel like the direction my life takes will always be a split path. Pulling myself in two will never get old. But i'm so tired of it. When will I be happy with just what I have? Will I ever be comfortable with what I'm doing? I use to tell myself that I was doing it for me, but which one?

I doubt I'll ever get over this wound I made in myself. I'll walk this world with blood on my hands, and rejoice when it never clots and scabs and heals. I'll always wear my heart on my sleeve, I deserve this.. repent, repent, repeat. 

Sometimes it feels like im getting closer. Like I have something tangible to be, and somebody in my life I can let go and love. I always will doubt it, all.  Im so scared to release myself from this hell that has trapped me for so long. I suppose its the familiarity of the struggle and constant suffocation I feel. I cant remember what its like to breathe and not feel guilty.

I'll never be good enough, just for me.