.:)'(:. The Beginning Of The End .:)'(:.

I have tried to remain neutral about this. I have tried ignoring it. Nothing seems to prevent or banish this issue. I suppose I should fully explain before I truly begin;

When I broke up with my fiancee, I doubted I would ever love anybody more, or even equally to how I had loved him. I have found this to be harshly untrue, although it has taken me quite some time reach this level with Dan. Its undeniably there.. I believe it was my own fear of feelings that prevented me from allowing it sooner.

When the breakup first occurred, and for several months thereafter I spoke with Dustin quite frequently. I wanted to see him, and be near him as much a possible. He, not so much. but I think for the sake of healing my wounds, he allowed me to talk to him. And would even visit from time to time. Despite my hysteric reactions to him. And how most all of our interactions ended with for a while, he was his classically quiet patient self with me.

Once he saw that the the wounds had scabbed, my cuts healing. He began backing off. He would still text or even call me from time to time. He would ask how Dan was too.. genuinely interested in my overall happyness. Up until about a month and a half ago, when I stopped returning his calls and texts.

Its not that I have any ill feelings towards him. Its not even that I want him out of my life. I just dont feel the need any longer to be linked to him, even through friendship. I am past the part in my life where I found our union to be of any use. I would not outright refuse to remove him from my life entirely at the request of Dan. But I would need a definite, good, reason.

He is still in my contacts list on my phone, though we never talk.

He is still a friend of mine on facebook, though I have removed him from my newsfeed.

Why? Why would I stop talking to a person who genuinely cares for me? Who was patient and careful with me, even after I had traumatized him?

..Because I love somebody else. Because I love them so much I do not want to risk anything with them.

I cant think of one thing I could need him for, because Dan provides me with absolutely everything I could possibly want, or need. Emotional, Physical, Monetary, Spiritual. More. Its all there.. It took me a long time to come to terms with the fact that a new era of my life had begun, and it was time to move on. And sometimes, it means you need to purge the past. Including the people who dwell there. Even if they were once important to you.

I wont deny, that if my phone rang at some obscene hour, and Dustin was in trouble, I would not be genuinely worried, and want to help. However; I would abstain. Its no longer my place. Our ties of love, long since severed. And our lines of friendship have begun to fade. This dose not mean I will forget him, but his has begun to dissolve into my memory. Just a ghost.

I never realized how hard it would be to get over somebody, somebody who nearly became part of my Family, and me theirs. And I never would have guessed how easy, and simple, letting go of that exact same somebody would become.

Why would I even say these things? Or for that matter, bring them up and write about them? ..for one because Its not meant to be forgotten. For another; this has been the preface to my REAL issue. The things that have dug into my skin for several days now. 

At first I was generally displeased. But as the obvious began building.. I felt more like somebody was shoving pins under my fingernails and forcing me to turn a blind eye and smile.

I can no longer do either..

The following is a collective confession; and an expression of general distaste:

On friday night Dan flew off the handle. I will write about it some other time, when the damage from it is not so fresh in my mind. But needless to say it was traumatic for both of us.

In the heat of the situation, I grabbed HIS phone, in attempt to contact a roomate of his. Who also happens to be a long-time-friend of his as well. I figured Chris, if anybody else right that second would be able to tell me how to handle this violent (and that is putting is kindly) outburst of Dan's.

I walked out to my Barn, and sat beside my horse. I began flipping through his current texts, confident there would be one from Chris. however what I found was: A whole lot of me.. a few from my best friend ( who has become a mutual friend of both Dan and I)..more me, a couple from an ex of his I'm thoroughly comfortable with..more me.. No Chris..

..and then..

A name I NEVER wanted to see on his phone; EVER. I have never heard Dan speak Ill of her, but never favorably. Not since I have known him..

An ex girlfriend of his, a girl he was involved in an "open" (I always suspected closed) long-distance relationship with, when we first met. The girl who I basically drove him to the airport to fly out and see at Thanksgiving. The girl whom I had to hear about all the way back home, once I picked him up from the airport the following week. I got to listen to the story of their "bad breakup" ( how she was so hysteric he almost stayed in a hotel, and how she made his visit home a living hell) And hear Dan talk about how he wanted nothing to do with her -ever again-.

I was aware they had exchanged messages through facebook; and that he was very displeased with her general demeanor towards him.. But I was under the impression that those final messages were just that..That he had no interest in continuing any sort of relationship; friendly or otherwise with her. I suppose I was grossly wrong. I'm nearly afraid of knowing just how much so. Its quite obvious he is hiding this all from me. He deletes his sent messages to her, which just leaves me me suspicious, angry and morbidly curious..

Its true, I misread the "offending message" several times. and as I did my malice and anger only grew and grew. Until -I- had reached nearly the same fire-and-brimstone disposition Dan was currently in that night.

I proceeded to go through his ENTIRE phone. deleting any photos of any other girls; I didnt care if they were her or not. To me; they needed GONE NOW. and so they were, with the click of a button.

It seemed (and still dose seem) unfair to me, that he would have any level of care for this woman. After all the things he said about her, after all the things he said that she said and did to him, and supposedly put him through. WHY? why would one care?

He claims its because he thinks "she is a good woman".. this is not what I was hearing from him several months ago. nor dose it add up.

I can definitely relate to having a general concern for an Ex, As I said above about Dustin. However, I also mentioned; despite anything. I would abstain. Wether that means bailing him out of jail, or some simple advice. My reaction would crest no higher than " gee, that must suck, im sorry".

Dan told me friday, as he was bleeding all over my bathroom. The reason he began speaking with her, again; is because 

-I- was not talking to him that night. And he was "having a bad day at work"..

Out of curiosity, I grabbed him phone again today. Upon seeing he had (several) messages from an unlabeled number that consisted of nothing -but- pornographic images..I promptly deleted these. And then I opened the "offending" message up again, and read it.. then scrolled to the nearest message from me. They are from the very exact same day, one fucking minute apart.

I was furious again. And now I am unable to fathom where to begin. I feel almost cheated on. I feel sick to my stomach. I want to cry and hit things, and tell Dan what a fucking lier he is ( and a shitty one at that).

I want to have some sort of extremest reaction to all of this. But I am so numb from all of the previous events this past week.. that I simply find myself unable to react.

I suppose that I just cant understand. Why cant he give me the same benefit that I have given him? I have removed my previous Ex from my life. Almost entirely. While he has simply continued stirring the pot with this woman. I was with Dustin for  half a decade; he was with this "cassy" for a matter of months. One would think that being such a brief time together, it would make it even easier to cut the lines of contact and move on. despite her being a "family friend".. for gods' sake. Dustin and I -were- family.

I suppose I will never be good enough to be treated equal. I will always be given just a little less. And always expected more of.

.:: G o Back ::.

DRUGS, 

In particular LSD, psilocybe and MDMA, have left a profound impact on who I am.
They are sacraments carrying a powerful message, not toys. They provide a clear view of true existence, of the collective consciousness we are all a part of; they act as little "keys" to the locked doors of our own psyche. They will not, however, magically give you your answers - they are simply the tools, like a microscope. The rest is up to you


For a long time, I was so afraid that the other substances had skewed my vision, or even my openness for either of my preferred "keys". But I have come to realize, None of the other Keys fit my locked doors anymore. 


I'm seeking, and finding. I'm ready to open the doors of my mind. These stagnant thoughts have clouded me for too long now.


Im ready, when You are ready.

.:: P ower Off ::.

Im at my wits end, sitting here in my bed with my beloved cat. Im miserable, and I am trying to look forward to something. I suppose that something could be my birthday.. its getting closer. And Sacred Earth. mostly Sacred Earth.

On my Impromptu flying trip home (due to my raging UTI) I started planning in my head. I can no longer deal with not having a calendar, so I drew up my own template. Oh how clever I was, I left one blank and made it into a .PDF file.. OMG thinking ahead!. anyhow.
I started thinking about what I can do to try and make my Sacred Earth trip more attainable. As its been something I have wanted to return to since the day I got home from it last year! I decided a specific amount of money each week (depending on if I even -have- money that week) is getting set aside in a secret hidey hole. If I do it right, I should have enough for my ticket, and the gas, and maybe even a little extra!

Beyond daydreaming about Sacred Earth, I got to thinking about all the things I want and need, things I need replaced, things that need upgraded. I cant help but fantasize.. my birthday is coming, and I am damned determined to make it not suck. As my 21st was horrible. so I decided to go  NUTS and make a wishlist. More or less so I can look at the horrible collection of stuff I'll never fucking own. but whatever.. At least I can come to my journal after this entry is made and stare instead of just seeing it all in my head.

So yea, its not much.. I mean :x

..:: ):( ::..

Poi Stuff:

Flowlights . in "spirit"

Crystal cases (for flowlights) . one for each Flowlight

Colecord poi cords . in  "Sonar Black"

Fluffy practice poi . in "Yellow"

Clothing/ ETC:

Purple Kaos plugs . in 1/2in

Lime Green Kaos plugs . in 1/2in

Hairbrained - panties . in "evil beaver", SZ med.

Hairbrained - panties . in "rainbo" , SZ med.

Other stuff <3:

Strap on Harness (I have searched and searched for "the one", this is totally it!!)

The Bandito .. to go with the harness ;)

Pony Mask ( the most badass thing ever, I have visions of spinning Poi in this :p be cause I'm ridiculous)

Glass Ben wa Balls (nothing says I love you, more than a tight pussy <3)

The Jelly fish ..holy shit a light up dildo!

..:: ):( ::..

I think I am going Poi crazy. and I think its because I havent spun in about 6 months. Its -really- driving me insane. My birthday wishlist consists of Sex stuff.. and Poi gear. I'm hopeless. and its pretty obvious what I think about most..

UGH..
But just the mere thought of practicing poi again makes me excited. it was so therapeutic for me. Almost as good as riding. For me, it connects me to me on a deep level that rivals meditation.

.:: T his Is Not ::.

I'm unsure of my footing, I don't know what I'm doing or how to do it. Where to go or how to get there. Normally I'm okay with this, I go with the flow - wherever life wants to take me. But now I feel the need to change my situation, my surroundings, my relationships, me. The inability to do so is crushing, suffocating, depressing.

Everything I bring up seems to be met with skepticism, rather than the support I need. Just a little, please. Give me something to be hopeful for, help me find my footing, help clear my path! No, just the same weak replies and lack of aid. I can't do this on my own.

.:: G et Out::.

Part of me won’t go away

Every passing day, I am reminded how much I hate it

I Want to pull it out of my soul

And just live with the gaping hole

Take control of my life

And wash out all the burnt taste

All of this has become a routine scar

New cuts cover where the old ones are

And now I’m sick of this

Alive in me, inside of me, 

a part of me screams away silently..

.:: A ddiction::.

sometimes I feel like my heart is still a mess. torn to pieces and stapled back together. All my arteries, still hemorrhaging. I can make an attempt to flow away from the past, but it always keeps coming back.

Ive tried to focus forward.. but then I'll hear a certain song, or i'll see a certain piece of jewelry. and I'll remember people, remember sensations, and places. An empty jar, with a faded label. An empty jar, I know should hold something near and dear.. Empty jars that should be filled with joy, but instead their emptiness only brings me bewilderment and disgust. And yet still I am compelled to reach again for another, and label it thusly. With the same dried up ink I used countless times before. Only for it to flake and fade into the ever present past.

The urges I get to let these relics and melodies carry me away, carry me to a familiar place. No matter how dismal, no matter how euphoric. Its hard to resist. 

But all I have to do, is roll over and see those graceful shoulders. Pick up the phone and hear the familiar tone in his voice. A man who is pulling me towards my future. A man, who cares for me more deeply than I, or anybody else has dared care for me. He is showing me that I am more than these urges. More than the substances that have carried me far and low. 

The idea of a life beyond these gates of servitude to my hungers is frightening. What am I to do with out this overwhelming pseudo need? would I still desire to consume? Will I consume?.. Will I forget these time and time again promises to myself? Or will I truly commit, and then find the contents of my faded jars still just barely within reach under their dusty shelving?

I am unsure of how to function without even the prospect of a game of hide and seek for the sake of acquiring. I am unsure of how to forget what its like to feel electrified, connected, grounded, high. It is unfathomable to me how a person can walk away from the lifestyles Ive lived. After so long, even the jaded become too comfortable to leave.

The reward to vacate this wonderland, is essentially my life. A new life, again. With not just any partner, but the one person who has ever been able to tear my undivided attention away from the lies I have perpetually chased now for nearly a decade. I suppose I was in such desperate pursuit, because whenever I would catch what I was chasing.. my pain, my anger, my angst, my fear, my everything negative would slither away.. even if only for a while. 

Sometimes I feel resentment for the Man who sees me, and how he loves me despite my true reflections..I perceive his concern as bias, the worry for my future self as a prejudice to a persona I had worked almost effortlessly to build so strong. And yet, that girl is so fragile. Just the simple whisper of sobriety sends her tumbling down. Its simply that he cares immensely. Genuinely.  

Its so terrifying for me to accept that he is not a lie, just like every other empty jar I have kept. All I need to do to reassure myself, is see where he has put himself for me. He has opened his wounds, and his heart and left them bleeding for me. He has sat patiently while I was not nearly myself, and loved me still. nonetheless. He has taken ahold of me and force fed me the blinding beauty and deafening serenity that can be our lives together. Despite this, my self-defiance and fear turns me in circles to the mantra of " I dont deserve this". and then he stops me and says with great certainty; "yes you do". And sometimes I feel myself starting to believe him..

 Like a child falling on scabbed knees, again and again. eventually I have come to embrace the fall. And the numbness instead of pain. And the itching instead of the warm trickle from broken wounds. I have thought in the past that all of these things are what built me so strong. But as the love I have begun experiencing has pulled me out of myself, and out of the never ending corridors of falsities . I have come to notice, when I look in the mirror I no longer see strength, but scars. 

I cannot say I dislike them. because they unlike the empty jars, will always be filled with memories. they are not deformities, but mile markers in time. Soft raised lines where the roads split, again.

As of the moment of these words spilling from my fingertips, I am at another crossroads. I need to find the new way. And I think he knows which right to take.