Treasures and Flesh

X-posted in LJ.

Today was one of the beginning of what I hope will be a streak of climbing back to "normalcy". I woke up at around 9:15am, very shortly after Dragon had left for His first job of the day. Having slept through the night, but for the second night in a row experiencing very odd dreams. Some of them I was very violent, but the very last one bothered me. As it played upon all my worst fears.

I spent all morning absolutely busting my ass around our house. Dragon and I are in the middle of getting the house ready for winter. We live on my family's rural property. During the winter it is not uncommon for one to get snowed in, loose power, and be downright stir crazy here. We are close enough to town that it is a short drive during clear months. However, in bad conditions our road becomes nearly impassable at times.
..so, I have begun to not only "winterize" our indoor residence, I have begun adding touches of "us" to it. Previously I shared this home with my ex boyfriend of 5 years. We are working to better the things he "fixed", finish the projects I started and could not finish without him, and beginning our own! Mostly, I am cleaning the ever living hell out of the entire house. However our guest bedroom, and our living room are my two main goals.

Today I feel closer than ever to being able to begin my first project, and that is the landing tiles in our living room/ sunroom. That room is where we generally entertain, and much to my dismay my family layed down -white- ( i kid you not, white) burber carpeting in there nearly a decade ago. As one could imagine, it has gotten absolutely trashed. So that is getting replaced. I cant wait for this room to be done, as I feel like it will not only be Dragon's room, but  our room. He has been working hard at building me a Windows machine so we can game together.

Our guest room shall come at a later date, as I need paint! My main inspiration for re-doing our guest room, is so that staying here is more appealing. Especially during winter months. I dont want my friends needing to drive home in bad weather.

Today I managed to get the entirety of our remaining rooms, minus the two project rooms mentioned above, spotlessly clean. or, well.. as clean as one can get this farmhouse. It was built in the 1860's! This free's up my time so I'm not combatting the large mess every day. I feel like I have made a huge impact on the houses energy as well. Clean rooms here = pure, good energy.
Not to mention I put our memory foam bed back into our bedroom, which although much smaller than our two full's pushed together, will inevitably be better for both Dragon and my own spine's.

Dragon came home for lunch, and to switch clothing to run off to job # 2. While He was home, He put my lock on my collar, and told me to clean my glass dildo and to have the hand whip ready for Him when He got home. I was also to clean and insert both ben wa balls until He came home... humm.

I spent the evening relaxing, admittedly. I also pieced together a M/s contract. I am hoping to present this on paper to Dragon soon to see if it is to His liking. It is something I have wanted since the day I was collared. However the stipulations I have arranged in this contract are far more binding than I would have asked for during that time. I feel like this will help us both outline our expectations, needs, desires, etc. Something tangible we both can agree upon and reflect upon if need-be.

I took a great deal of time to do this, I actually started it during the small breaks I took during the morning and afternoon. I reviewed several examples of legal documents/ examples of Master | slave contracts before I really started writing. I think I have read it nearly 20 times now, so hopefully it is worth presenting.

I have also spent quite a bit of time reflecting on things today, and beginning to look forward to next weekend. Schwagstock 45! I still am a bit apprehensive over going, as money is quite tight. But the closer it gets the more I have begun adopting the mantra I get in my head while there "be here now". I say that many times a day while at the festival camp grounds during the days we spend there. Being "here now", allows me to focus on only things that I have power over. It also encourages me to "just keep going". Because if there is nothing you can do about a problem, the best thing you can do is wait, and move on to the next. Efficiency..Efficiency..Efficiency..!!

Dragon has returned home with dinner! WOO!

Saying I'm Sorry

It is the hardest things to do, almost every time. At least for myself. Admitting  I am wrong is tough, but I generally can be pretty certain when I truly am wrong. 


For months and months I have watched things spiral. my life, my relationships, my happiness, my health, my sanity. I feel like I have gotten a brief hold on everything, if only for a moment to begin pulling it out of the drain. I see all these little pieces disappearing, some of them can go, but for a while I was sure I might never look in the mirror and see myself.


I have been having the average  questions any new submissive and or slave might have in a new 24/7 M/s relationship. "am i still submissive?" has been the largest one. I have realized that my suddenly un-compliant nature is nothing more than my fear of the situations I am encountering on a daily basis. I feel frozen, trapped. And Dragon has been feeling quite a lot of stress, which occasionally makes Him very emotionally unavailable for myself. There are days I desperately want to fall crying into His arms because I feel so overwhelmed, so beat down, and so raw at days end.
There are days when I have done so, even against His will. My doing so only inflames the shame I feel. I do wish to deal with these problems on my own, but as of late I have felt very neglected. I hate myself for feeling this way. These feelings just entrap me more. Sometimes I feel so very useless to Him, something more to consume His precious time.



Truthfully I have underestimated my new life from the beginning. In the past weeks I have begun to truly taste what it really means to be His. A slave, owned.. Being in service to Dragon, can sometimes be a real pain. We both have to take care of all of our own responsibilities that come with having a career, taking care of our property and cars, and all the other modern "conveniences" that for some reason seem to make life more complicated than convenient. On top of this I also have the responsibility of taking care of the house (I consider this His home, a place we share and call ours), my truck and modern conveniences (charging electronics, responding to emails, etc). To me, it is daily pressure times two. Sometimes it can become  so incredibly overwhelming.
I try so hard to handle it, to make it look so easy that Dragon, believing that the service ability of His "good girl" is a terrible thing to waste, hoping he piles on a few more tasks for myself to do in my "spare time," whatever that is. I find myself reaching down inside myself to find that last ounce of energy that I've hidden away, and keep on going.
But then, despite my efforts, to appease, to please, to show my submission, to create a delightful homecoming each evening and show that I am generally fully competent in every task.. Naturally, I am tired. Add on the variables of chronic spine pain (in both my lower back and neck), sickness due to a haggard immune system, or just a plain old hard day..Dragon, doing all He can to be the responsible Master, decides that what I need is rest. No play tonight, or the next night or the next etc., etc., etc. By this time I start to wonder, to doubt, ok, i've worked my ass off, done everything i'm supposed to, yet i don't get any of the rewards, (i.e., play time. ) What's wrong with me? Am i no longer attractive to Him? Do i no longer spark His desire to play with me? Rest? That's the last thing i want. Want to rejuvenate me? Then take me in and beat the crap out of me. Throw me around, use me, show me I am still Masters "good girl".
For a long while I began to doubt.. "Why am i doing this?".." i could find any number of play partners without having to go through all these other hassles. Why did i become His slave anyway?"
It doesn't take long for me to come up with the reasons why. Despite all the hassles, all the headaches, and heartaches all the self-questioning of worth, deep inside I know why. It's because I love doing it. I need to serve and I know I have the best Master anyone could ask for. All I have to do is swallow a little of my pride (all it does is get in the way), talk to Dragon and tell Him, "i need Your help and understanding."
Of course, admitting this is the last thing I want to do, being The Infallible Pwny Girl and all. So I bang my head against the wall a few times (damn, now i've got to fix the hole in the wall), slam a few doors (oh no, i heard a crash, what broke?), drop kick the cat across the room (it's ok, he's already deranged, another concussion won't hurt him much) or go shopping (oh wait.. we are broke and feel guilty for so much as dropping a quarter in the washer..) until I finally get rid of enough anger and frustration to admit to Dragon that I can't do it all.


But its not just that easy.. He is always so wrapped up in stress, so engulfed in Himself lately I feel like I cant reach Him. So sit and I watch Him, He comes into our bedroom on His laptop and we sit beside each other.. Until I finally spit something out.. and lately it never comes out right. I always sound angry (and maybe I sometimes am) I seem to always offend Him. Which only exacerbates my upset more. The very last thing I want is to displease Dragon in ANY way.. And it seems to me that even if i roll over and expose my belly, He exercises some extremest act that makes me regret even considering talking with Him.I understand some of His volatile nature is stirred from deep within, a defense mechanism for dealing with His own fears, doubts and current wounds. I just dont know what to do, I feel like the more I try to reach Him, the more He pulls away.


So I have tried leaving Him be, only to have Him confused as to my silence. Upset that I have not shared _______ or invited Him to _________. It only perplexes me more, and makes me feel as if I am being told to run, but being held back. The tension I feel between us sometimes is so strong that I feel like I it is strangling me. 


I do wish that He would know that I do not mean to resist, disobey or cause any disgruntled for Him. I am here to serve Him, and Dragon has admittedly given me a very wonderful life thus far. My job is making Him happy, but when He gives me nothing to fuel myself with, it is a bit like demanding your vehicle drive you to work, on an empty tank. I remember Him telling me when we first got together, that our physical contact, and positive interaction was a bit like fuel to Him. It has become the same to me. Our relationship in these terms fluctuates just as the price of gas does. One minute it is quite acceptable, the next.. absolutely outrageously expensive (in so many ways, monetarily, mentally, emotionally). It leaves me empty, and afraid to ask to fill up. My fear makes me unwilling, balky, headstrong. 


My biggest wish, would be for Dragon to begin coming to me again. Without feeling "obligated" to do so.. To talk to me about his issues, and to ask me what is truly going on. To be reassured that even if I'm angry, sad, upset, it will be OK. That I can let it out, no holds barred. 

Done all Wrong.

Dan took me home to meet his family this past week..

I was extremely hesitant to join He and his long-time-friend, Chris on this excision. I had my reasons to not go, and most all of my fears have materialized from my mind and become valid... my worst fucking nightmare.

I have spent thursday until just thismorning being absolutely miserable from altitude sickness.. it happens every time I come here. Upon that I was being (possibly more so than necessary) apprehensive about joining in on most of the family conversation and activity. Generally I am not one bit of worried about what others think of me, but these people could possibly end up being my family. Therefore, it overrode my default of "yea, you can hate and I wont care". In fact, im a bit worried I have worked too hard to seem "normal" to them. I dyed my hair back to (mostly) "normal" colors. although Ive done absolutely nothing to stray from my usual wardrobe, I have only put my hawk' up once while here. It was on Dan's birthday, by his request.

And I must say, his birthday was such an utter disaster it made me depressed and further Ill..

It went completely wrong, and he confessed to me later that night that he had considered committing suicide. Being that we are out in the middle of bumfuck nowhere and his entire family are gun carrying people, this made me entirely too nervous. As it is a complete valid possibility that he could have gone through with it. We were both miserable and so very upset with each other that evening. I am beginning to worry more and more that both of our "split personalities" are getting the better of us sometimes. he also confessed a few other very harrowing gruesome things to me that shook me to my core. I spent the latter half of the evening trying to keep him out of hysteric fits of tears.. 

Up until today I have been having an honestly miserable time. I am thrilled to be here, but mentally and bodily I have felt worse than sick. Even a bit today I was carsick. And I feel very stuck in the middle of Dan and Chris. Chris has accompanied Dan to CO on a couple occasions, and generally they go out on hikes and usually a "survival trip" where they disappear into the mountains for a day or so.. Unfortunately, this trip, it will not occur. Despite my urging, for a variance of reasons. but I believe it is my fault. Dan blames the weather and the lack of good timing. We leave in about 2 and a half days for home now and Dan still needs to see his mother again before we go. Chris is rightfully annoyed, because as he put it he "spent quite a lot of money to drive all the way to CO and hang out in Dan's dad's house get drunk, play Wii, and sit around.".. When he said that earlier in the car on the way back from what I had perceived as the first successful full day here, my heart just sank. I felt awful all over again. Chris said that Dan was like this with another girl (Dan's most recent ex) when he was here previously. And I cant help but feel im just another version of her.. here. Taking him away from his family (which he seldom visits) and quality time with his best friend (which he just became an ex-rommate to, to move in with me)...

It makes me feel like a horrible person. And I realize that he will do as he pleases, and I would like him to do exactly that, and be happy. afterall, it is HIS vacation. Though we have come for his birthday, and for me to meet his parents. Above all, it is HIS vacation. I want him to be happy, and I want him to make his family happy as well.. I am so afraid that they will think I am trying to keep him from interacting with them. Truthfully I have several times suggested he go spend more time with them, or Chris. But instead he continued to be around me. And if that is what he truly wants, then that is what -I- want, too.. It just worries me. Like I said, I do NOT want to be -that girl-..

As I sit here and write this Dan, Chris, his niece, and one of her friends are sitting at the kitchen table playing Monopoly. I feel that Dan wants me to be near him, even just to sit next to him even if Im not playing. But this entire ordeal both today and prior has made me incredibly antisocial. In a fearful kind of way. In my head, I suppose I'm sitting here saying "if I just sit really still nobody can/ will see me". Dan says he has something planned for he and I tonight. However it is uncharacteristically cool for a June night here in CO, I'm worried this plan too will become ruined... As I said before, if pulling me away for himself is what he wants and what will make his vacation pleasurable for him, then that is what will also make me happy.

In the days to come I look both excitedly and very sadly upon our departure. I am desperately homesick (keep in mind Ive spent all 22 years of my life in the same spot, both in my country and in my state, as well as property). However I yearn to know more of his family. But I also remain (but am becoming ever so decreasingly) afraid of opening up to his Mom and Dad and truly getting to know the two people who will inevitably become some of the most important people in my life. I feel like my discomfort in my own mind and body has robbed me of part of this experience. And it frustrates me so greatly. I'm trying not to allow it to ruin the rest of this trip. but the situation with Chris also weighs heavily in my shoulders. His relationship with Dan is incredibly important to me, for Dan's sake. I do not want (and fear this could be) one of the last vacations or trips we take Chris along for.

I have spoken with Chris at great lengths this trip, and my friendly relationship with him has grown quite rapidly. He has admitted to me that this is nothing new, how Dan is acting with me. That previously he has been on camping trips and back home here to CO with him, while he had a girl with him.. And every time he acts the same. Clingy to the girl and dissociative of friends/ family/ situations.. And he is sick of it. I dont blame him -at all-. As it places him in and awkward and inconvenient situation. Although Chris is a social butterfly, for sure, What he said earlier about driving over 1000 miles just to sit around really upset me, for him.  Because its true. I know Chris would never say anything out of anger or spite, and I think he is genuinely upset by this trip. 

It has been an utter and total disaster, and has caused me such a tremendous amount of stress. I wanted to come out here, meet Dan's family and have a wonderful time relaxing and getting to know MY new family. Instead I have spent my time worried, stressed, sick, upset, depressed and stretched to my limit of patience and comfort so many times. I feel I have made a total fool of myself, and Dans parents will tell him once I am gone that I am not a good match for him, that I am a bad and selfish woman. I feel shamed. And all of these feelings clash so badly with my want to make Dan happy on his visit home. 

..if i could break into pieces at this very second, I think I would turn to dust from the shattering and splintering..

Smells like pine | version 2.0 |

welcome here summer..

you fill my head with silly ideas. <3

.:: Words I Cannot Speak::.

It is true, the beast dose have a heart..

Insomnia has settled on me once again. I find this to be my affliction any time summer rolls around. It seems to be impossible for me to ever keep a normal sleep schedule. I lay here in bed and my brain converses. and as I lay here remembering the past several months of my life, which have both crept, then flown by. I am left wishing I could tell him these things, right now.. and If he would listen, or hear me.. I have so many things I want to say to Dragon.

"Somewhere along the lines the stress demystified us both prematurely. We have seen the ugly sides of each other too soon, I believe. But it was a harsh reality we were bound to face. Despite this, I love you even more. And it has allowed me to love you wholly as YOU, and everything you are and can be.

Lately I have found myself detached and unwanting of any kind of attention of affection. the idea of interaction with anybody is like a hot knife on my skin. It is not that I do not want you, I have begun loosing faith in people. I still want you close, and I still want to connect with you. I just feel so bitter inside im afraid to connect with you for fear I will share that bitterness and hatred with you as well. I do not want to contaminate you with my disgusting emotions and thoughts.

I am plagued constantly with fears.. and every small thing around me only feeds into them; Just today, as I was leaving.. I saw one of your shirts by the end of your bed. I miss having them always in mine. Always having a pile of them to sleep with, all smelling of you. I know they have been worn more frequently by you now, as you work on our home... But I feel as if they have slowly made their way back to you.. I wonder sometimes if you do not wish for me to have them any longer.. And my beloved collar. Though it may not be a sign of my submission, or your ownership, to you, any longer. It represents something to me. A promise. Something that is untouchable. and as of recent, I feel that untouchable promise is being molested in every sense of the word. 

The little things that use to reassure me have begun to fall to pieces. Last night as we slept together, I felt our fingers intertwine as I slid my arm around you. For a brief second it seemed so perfect, and then I tore my hand from yours. I do not understand. I want you so badly, I want to be as close to you as I can be. I think it is because I am scared.

My love for you is unlike anything I have ever experienced before. It is almost as if it existed before we both lived. It has been like a fairy tale mixed with the grimmest nightmare. But everything has become extremely tangible and painstakingly real, quite suddenly. I look fondly on our first few months together, and then think of how much both of us have changed. Those moments seem a lifetime away now.

The one thing that has never changed is the fact that, I love you. I do not think one thing could ever change that. I have questioned our relationship in truth, only once. I dont need to remind you why. You have the proof on your hands. Despite that incident..Nothing could shake the undeniable link you and I have. 

I hate when you always think I am upset with you, twisting things you say, or trying and turn everything against you.. its not true. I wish so badly for you to stop thinking I am attempting to insult or hurt you. My only valid complaint of you thus far however, is I find your planning skills to be rather lacking.

I hate being in charleston so much. I loathe that place to the bottom of my soul. Every time I am there, your demeanor changes and you immediately become something very unlike what you are when you are "home". You force smiles, you exude stress and negativity. It makes you so hard to approach. At times I become so frustrated I just wan to stop trying.. But I cant stop. even if it hurts. I would die for you to be happy.

Soon, You will be here. In this tiny slice of dilapidated paradise. Together we will make this place shine, and we will make it our own. We will create our life together. Like I told you before.. My life with you is unlike my life with any other person. instead of searching for all of our puzzle pieces, we each had half to begin with. We have our boarder created. Now we just need to begin filling in the middle spots and snapping the large pieces in.. 

I never know how to say these things when I am near you. ..Maybe it is being tired that forces them out of me. But if you were here right now, I would tell you that I love you, again. And that nobody else in this world could, or will, ever mean as much to me as you do. 

I cant wait to spend the rest of everything with you."

Here is your AntiChrist SuperStar

From the outside I seem harmless enough. But if only the people who call me savior, hope, confidant, friend.. could see inside this shell. They would see a seething ravenous beast.

I lure unsuspecting people in with the promise of enlightenment, fun, and freedom from the haggard world they have been forced to commit to. The things they slave away at. I give hope to the people who "just need a break"... And Broken is what I give them.

Your young adults idolize me, because I seem so carefree and fun. They mold themselves into my image, which they perceive to be "alternative" and "trendy". They watch me consume every willing and fascinated living thing in my path.  Curious, they hunger for that power. They want want want to be just like me.. But I am like a plague, working slowly. By the time you get that tickle in your throat its already too late.

And then they begin to cough the lies and lures and hack up the malice I so cleverly planted. It brings in more unsuspecting souls to be my victims. (hey kids bring yer friends!). Then when their pain and fear become too much they turn to the substances I have so readily at my fingertips. And I feed them like I would feed a caged animal, or fading patient. And They devour all these things so willingly, but they dont even realize the substances are like sentinels. And nothing close to the escape routes, band-aids and blinders they were originally sold as. 

When the fevers and withdrawals come, when they are "lost", they beg for me to sit beside them. To console them. For me to help them through these situations I surely understand.. and oh how I do understand.. for I put you there, darling. and now you look upon me for safety and survival. for you have made me your largest idol.

But when their death comes, and they beg me to take their pain, to fix their problems and the mistakes they have made. I laugh. I tell them I have provided them with their answers. They have just lost their way. 

I leave them in the holes they dug so willingly, to writhe in darkness. Captives that enslaved themselves, for me.

Adults, are no less susceptible to my poison. I am not your typical shell. And of course, just like any beautiful thing. It lures them in. Everything about me is made to. The expressions I make, the way I move. My style of dress. But there is one thing to my advantage that I have not crafted myself. And that is my smell. Apparently I am far closer to feral than most of the general populous. 

Any male from the ages of adolescence to damn near death are generally captivated by me.. And if they are typical, they want me. Despite their doting wives, or knockout girlfriends. I have witnessed men crazed for just one taste of me they would sacrifice healthy love to have one savory night.. There is that certain spark in me that drives them to me like insects to electricity. I revel in this. For although they are not pure as children, there is still uses for the already tainted adult. 

I meet these grown people, and immediately they sense "something different". And driven by that natural instinct to have what is exotic or uncommon, they seek validation of even the most fleeting of friendships. They learn the things I make available for them, and accept what I create for them to perceive.. And immediately I become a walking pharmacy, or a free therapist. I seem empathetic to them. And in the current world, thats all that people seek; to be heard and "understood". In giving them that they feel bonded with me. As if they can trust me.

I learn their secrets. I learn about their daily lives.. and I hear alot of "ive never said this to anybody before"'s. I allow them to feel connected with me. I tell them bits of my horrible past, because in truth the life I have had could make any good man, go bad. It makes them feel for me. ..Feeling anything for me is what empowers me. To kill me, you must feel nothing at all. But this world is a melting pot of emotion. Because of this, I will always prevail and survive.

In the wake of all of this, there are the people who feel I have betrayed them. In truth, they simply lost their value to me. I used them to the best of their abilities and I left them to die. Behind me is always a trail of carcasses and deep mass graves. The cries for help, the deafening emptiness inside from what I've taken. And the blinding feeling of loneliness. That is all that ever comes of me. Rot, corruption, hate, the end.

 I am your modern day devil, your death dealer, a god who cant be stopped. I am a self proclaimed megalomaniac. And you all love me. 

The Devil is female, and you have found her.

.:: F orward ::.

When I get back from hell again
I'm gonna be so elegant
The relevance of my benevolence is evident

When you lose your mind

Is when you start to find your soul unfold
This morning when I woke up
All the thoughts that I had just broke up
Broken fragments of my dreams left me choked up
Distant memories I'd repressed all spoke up
This was something that I wasn't expecting
My dreams solidified and started asking me questions
And the deeper I looked into their hate-filled eyes
I realised they were you, only in disguise

So I jumped to my feet
How the fuck did I become so weak?
Too soon did I admit defeat
I grabbed a pen and start writing to the beat
And I wrote:
When I get back from hell again
I'm gonna be so elegant
The relevance of my benevolence is everything
As time went by
I realised you can't just drop out
But I'm telling you man
It's hard to block out
The sound that rebounds and resounds
And resounds again
Off the walls of my mind
'cause I miss my... friend
But now I'm on a mission to mend
Everything that broke and make it glisten again
Strip down redesign construct and improve
While the rest procrastinate I'll be making my move
I hope in years to come I've elevated
But chances are I'll be inebriated
But that's cool

As long as my mind ain't sedated
And the things that I've learned
Haven't been erased and wasted
When you forget about the hand you're dealt
All that really matters is the things you've felt
So fuck it, bring on the good and bad times

When I get back from hell again
I'm gonna be so elegant
The relevance of my benevolence is evident