letters that will never be sent..

how could I have ever loved you? how could I have dedicated myself to such a black hole? I hate you so much, but parts of me still love you. and its the parts of me that still love you are what leave me so confused.

fucking christ. I just want to hit things. I want destruction. I want something to take my mind of of the swirling clusterfuck of HOW THE SHIT DOSE THIS HAPPEN inside myself.

Yes Im hurt. I feel betrayed. I hate being lied to. and true, i never would have left him for you. But pieces of you belong to me still, just like pieces of me still belong to you. they always will.. THEY ALWAYS WILL. no matter how we try to rid ourselves, there is half a decade of time spanned between us. They are stuck forever, memories, habits, past times. pieces of our immortality.

we exchanged more than words and gestures in the years, we spent together. some time wasted, yes. but it was valuable lessons in the end.

I'm glad it was her, her of all people. I always saw you two matching. but WHY would you lie to me? in some ways I wish you had come out and said it. to my face. all those things you left unsaid and hidden inside. PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE LIES and missing puzzle pieces. its so typical of you.

Truly, she can have you. and your lower middle class ways. Your fucking lazy, and you will never change. You will work dead end job after dead end job trying to make ends meet living from paycheck to paycheck. And always in debt. Your love is lacking, and thats putting it generously. You are too quiet, not well spoken, ill educated and not worth my time.

..and yet still I dwell on you.

perhaps it is that I envy your confoundedness. 

You ability to seemingly just, ignore everything. it is a quality in you that always stirred the most hatred from me. Your blank stares, your silence. your lack of confidence. You are an asshole! I have seen the inside of you, and it is hollow and blank. The occasional utterance of words from your broken mouth are a rarity, and generally the result of desperation.

I could never hate you the way I want to, because I will always love you. And that is what makes me sick. You have and always will dissolve the walls I have so cleverly armored myself with. At times I wish you would disappear, but i could never be so fortunate. I think I am doomed and destined to be near you somehow. 

Im sorry, yes, Im sorry..

I seldom get the chance to write after a  night  out.

But here I am, laying in the most comfortable bed in the world, with the most wonderful man on this planet.. and I am exhausted and with what I can only suspect in a mild case of food poisoning..

Right after the last song I danced to this evening I immediately felt the need to vomit. but continued to ignore it until Dragon and I had been on the road home for about 5 damned minutes. When it returned with a new, nauseous vengeance. I am particularly gifted at holding it down, which I did fabulously. I Even made it out of the truck and into the yard before I started gagging. A New World Record!

..I'm not here to be writing to write about the atrocities that ended this evening.

No, I originally opened this blank page up, to write about the wonderful evening I had with Dragon.

It feels like its been.. forever, and really it has, since we were both out together. For the longest time after we started dating, Nekro was just not the same. not that it has returned to its previous recognizable atmosphere. Rather, it has changed, as have we..

For the first night in what I speculate to be about 8 months, I had the most amazing time I have ever had at Nekro, or with Dragon. And it was because Dragon was there. He and I didnt get retardedly intoxicated, there were not petty arguments. There were stirred up memories, and smiles. Heartfelt embraces that came at just the right time. Everything seemed so perfect. Even getting to see a couple of our mutual friends.

it was more than I could have ever asked for in an evening, and then some.

Truly, I had never danced with him. not like that. maybe once or twice he and I had been on the floor together. but that was even before we were dating, and sheer coincidence. But tonight we were both up on one of the podiums at the end. Both happy, Both dancing.

There is no better way to let my mind slip away.

I was reminded so boldly, as to why I fell in love with him. Why I love being out with him. Why I chose him. He is a fun, witty, charismatic Man. He is impeccably irresistible. Even in his awkward advances.

These past few months away from the club have been very dark and harrowing. As much as he claims to be a reclusive person. I believe he enjoys being social, and requires it, just as much as I do. 

I understand he will meed to get off to school here quite soon, and then work this evening. But I seriously think that this night was a long time coming.That that escape was needed.. Something that we both desperately required to shake us out of the funk we have been in. It is so funny that the very thing that brought us together in the first place, would be the same exact space we have begun to re-find each other in.

Despite the queazy feeling and this wretched headache preventing me from sleeping. i am left basking in the afterglow of a wonderful evening, and an odd sense of fulfillment.

I want to say these things to him, but he is asleep. And I find it incredibly hard to say such sentimental things out loud. 

   I only wish we had done this sooner..

.:: G ood For You ::.

Hey will you stay awhile 

My smile will not mislead you 

Cause I've been alone 

My faith turned to stone 

Still there's something in you I believe in 

Close to the pierce I go wild and fierce 

Still I let you be, I feel you next to me 

Cause inside I feel a wind that starts to blow 

I'm taken in your undertow 

Everything is fine, I'm lonely all the time 

Cause all I want to do is be there 

For the things that you're going through 

Well, is it good for you, is it good for you? 

Cause you haunt my nights when 

I don't know where my life should go 

Well, is it good for you, is it good for you 

Hey love, please stay a while 

My smile will not mislead you 

Cause I've been without, I go wild with doubt 

I grab at you, I can't stop grabbing at you 

Cause I feel you cross my mind 

In disarray, intoxicated, ricochet 

There's nothing wrong just don't take too long 

Cause all I want to do is be there 

For the things that you're going through 

Well, is it good for you, is it good for you 

Cause you haunt my nights when 

I don't know where my life should go 

.:: M onotonize ::.

Would you have me, let you be?

Am I truly the catalyst to your rotting?

Have I killed the pieces left in you so silently?

Are you truly becoming deader, every day you spend with me?

My words are usually my bandages, proverbially and physically. In every sense they can be. A defense, a comfort, something to stop the hemorrhaging. I feel I have done wrong, but he would never tell me. I wonder if I should disappear. But how can I change for him when the mistakes I seem to have made are never revealed? I want to be better.. I wish I was better. Not just for Him but, for me.

.:: The Hopeless Tonight ::.

I need an answer

Some way to understand

This feels so convincing

And a little outta hand

I can't take this anymore

I'm tired of breaking

You were not there for me

I was Unraveling

The world cant be conquered entirely,

 With love. 

I miss the brutality in everything. 

Do as I say. Do as I please. Do everything with a smile on my face.

I miss being your fantasy, I miss haunting your dreams.

Im done being good to you, now let me be the girl that you fear.

.:: M y Heart ::.

Its over now. its been nearly a week, and I still sometimes get so stuck on Tuesday the 13th. The morning was early, and both Dragon and I were so morse, that it was hard to breathe. The drive to the clinic felt like hours. And once we were there, there was this shocked feeling that was constantly reverberating throughout my entire being.

..I was really here, this was really happening.

I was able to remain in a numb state, and put on the "everything is going to be ok" / "im the infallible pwny" face. The nurses spent most of the morning prepping me, doing blood work and my ultrasound.

I was 6 weeks, and 2 days along. I also got to see the baby, the ultrasound tech was understanding, if not entirely sympathetic. I think she was very surprised when I asked her as she was getting ready to leave if I could see what was suppose to be, my frist born child. She even took the time to explain how to read the sonogram, and point out everything that was in the picture.

I tried not to look Dragon in the eye for those few moments before they called me back one final time. I couldnt bear it, I knew I could not let on to him how hard it truly was for me.. All I can remember after taking my hand off of Dragons and walking into the surgery rooms, was getting undressed. I briefly remember going under, and then waking back up and being exceedingly disoriented and bawling my eyes out.

It hurt, oh my god, did it hurt! I laid there and cried and cried. Both women (the counselor and the doctor) who were in the room during the procedure were incredibly nice women. I believe they were quite possibly the most accommodating and sweetest professionals I have ever been taken care of by.

Even in my loopy state I can still very clearly remember them both being so very kind to me. After all was said and done, I was given 20 minutes to recover. I was offered more time, but upon becoming more conscious directly after the abortion had occurred, all I wanted was Dragon. All I wanted was for him to hold me, and for those few minutes to know that everything was going to be ok.

But like I usually am in a time of great sadness, fear and distress.. I was alone. And I decided that for once in my life. Instead of holding it in, all those feelings I was experiencing. I was going to let it out. I cried. I cried for the entire 20 minutes I was back there. I cried for the child I had now sacrificed.. someday to be returned to Dragon and I, when we are ready. I cried for the pain i was experiencing, both physical, mental, even spiritual. I cried because I was embarrassed and felt robbed, empty, and above all violated.

I shook, I cried, I fell asleep and cried some more. and When the counselor/ nurse returned for the 4th time, I asked if I could dress. She seemed very unsure that I was ok, but I assured her that what I needed more than anything was my best friend.. I didnt even say boyfriend. because after that, Dragon is more than my lover, my boyfriend, my potential life mate. Dragon is my Best Friend.

I walked into the waiting room, and he was not there. I knew he wouldn't ever have left. He confessed later after I had found him sitting outside in the sun, that he had come outside because he was having a panic attack.

He was just as frightened of this entire ordeal as I was..possibly more.

I didnt tell him I had cried. I tried to make it as clear to him as I could, that everything would be fine. And so it has.

Truth be told, at the time, I was lying. I was trying so desperately to not allow everything to weigh upon either of us, so we could move on as quickly as possible. Its not something I will soon, or possibly ever forget. But I felt that if we didnt move forward, away from it, it would ruin our relationship.

The thing is, since the abortion, I have felt more "me" than ever before. I have felt happy, at peace. I can finally find the unity in this world again. I do not feel as if everything is so ugly and dark anymore. I also feel much closer with Dragon. So happy with him, to be his, to be with him. I feel as if he completes me.

And I have a sense..of.. I dont even know how to describe it. I think it was because he was there for me, and even though I was very traumatized, I remained strong for him. Which in a sense, proved to me that I am still strong. And I can still do things that even I feel are impossible. 

The feelings of emptiness still overcomes me, and sometimes I worry that my unborn child felt what went on. I have a distinct memory burned into my brain of waking up and staring into the bright lights of the operating room, and feeling the immense pain as they ended the procedure. I have tried hard to erase it, to forget just that one that I have. But its ingrained so deeply already I am afraid it will remain. My gory nightmarish souvenir to those few months in my life where I felt without passion, without hope, and without myself.

I told myself that if a human life, even one as precious as what a child between Dragon and I would have been, had to be sacrificed to make me be alive in my own body again. Then so be it. I had never felt more dead in my life. And how unfair it was for Dragon. Sometimes I said things to him that truly made no sense, and I really did not mean.

I never want to have to experience that, or anything like it again. I try desperately to not think of it. I have not cried about it since the day it happened. I feel like when I cried in the recovery room, it was truly cleansing and righting myself. I had never done that before.. just cried. Just let it go. 

Now I know what it feels like to be alright again..

It's been so long

Since I've heard the sound, the sound of my own hope

This time I will be listening

.:: How ::.

I still feel the cold

Of long past days

I knew my worth

Put in my place

It's no surprise

I realized some time before

December..

Sun now shines through the haze

And I'm putting my thoughts

Toward future days

It's no surprise

I close my eyes

And close the door..

Feeling so old

Years pass like days

Fastly changing

So many ways

My eyes perceive

Yes I believe in nothing more..

..:: T he Ruiner ::..

Beneath the stains of time

The feelings disappear

You are someone else

I am still right here

I'm still preparing for tuesday. I dont think anything will get me ready for what is about to happen. I mean, I still dont even know how to feel about it. There is no emotion, feeling, perception, to encompass how I currently reside on the issue.

I'm busy getting the farm ready for not only my return, but this damned party of mine. That, I also do not know how to feel about. I am quite excited for it, but it is turning into something I had not planned on it becoming. I know im absolutely NOT going to feel like cleaning, organizing, doing laundry or anything  of the like.. so I have tonight and tomorrow during the daytime to get ready.

I'm planning on leaving tomorrow evening and heading to Nekro (the club I, generally, frequent) and then afterwards heading down to Charleston. I'm sure its a dumb idea, as my appointment is at 8:45am. But I truly want to know if the people who are usually there (who mysteriously ended up on the guest list) are truly going, or if somebody just.. randomly invited them. Im still perplexed over that.

My outfit is layed out, and im still nervous as hell. I've gained at least 15lbs since I got pregnant. this is a significant amount, and wether I want to admit it or not.. it shows. I'm very unhappy about this, and plan on loosing as much as I can once i'm not carrying a living thing in me. Nobody there knows about me getting pregnant, so i'm sure they are going to see it as that "comfortable in a relationship" weight gain. ..meh.

I have been so stupidly tired lately. and stupidly ill. I spent most of last night vomiting.. and I wake up at 8am and am asleep by no later than 1am.. I cant believe it. I havent had a sleep schedule this normal and consistent since I was a child. I am not enjoying being knocked up, even if it has only been for a short while. My back has also been driving me insane lately. My first thought upon waking today was "ow ow ow.. omg can I move?.. yes, kind of."..." shit thats really out of place". the tip of my right shoulder blade feels like its going to explode. I dont know if its a pinched nerve or if a vertebrae is out of alignment. I hurts to take deep breathes, sneeze, cough.. damnit!

I am excited though, about going out tomorrow evening. its been almost 2 months or maybe even more, since I went out. and I have NEVER gone by myself! As odd as it seems, I feel like its new all over again. Then again, things are new. Things are different. The season has officially changed, and so have I. But I am unsure where this further metamorphosis -sans- catastrophe will bring me to in the end. I have been forced into change through trauma and less than favorable happenings before. It always seems to be the way of going in my life. Change is never a choice for me. Wether it be for the better or worse. Things just happen with me in this way.

This year holds alot for me. Its like staring up a mountain and down a bottomless pit simultaneously. Its really disorienting to look forward, because everything is so vast its entirely too monumental to even comprehend at this point. I think this is why I keep thinking about the past lately. but I have found it far less captivating than I use to.. This pleases me. I feel it means I'm ready to move on. 

And as that tattoo on my wrist yells at me, almost daily, "adrenaline", to me.. it screams "JUST KEEP GOING, breathe in, breathe out, JUST KEEP GOING". 

I'm ready, lets keep going..

If I could start again

A million miles away

I would keep you myself

I would find a way

..)'(.. One Million Miles Away ..)'(..

I try to kill it all away..But I remember everything.

When I search through google, preparing myself for  post-abortion-depression, all the kept coming up was "unwanted pregnancy". The phrase fills me with such terror and grief. I suppose maybe it is because, at one point in my life, I WAS an "unwanted pregnancy" and later on, an unwanted child.

On friday Dragon picked up a couple of home tests for me, as my body had been acting strangely. A bit like I was sick, and possibly pregnant. After several seconds my screen stopped flashing; and there it was.. "Pregnant". In bold letters. I shook the stick, I blinked, set it back down.. picked it up. the result had not changed. But upon that moment, my very life had.

Some time after seeing Dragon for many months, I realized I was in love with him, when the idea of carrying our own "dragon egg" became appealing to me. It has only become more so with time, and with our discussion on the subject. Problem being, we had never discussed what would happen should something unexpected happen..

Long ago, I always felt that if the time ever came for me to have an abortion, I would face it without hesitation or upset. I would be unmoved by the supposed aggravation of being" invaded on by some leech in my womb". I find that to be grossly untrue now. I think a large reasoning for this is that, truly, my pregnancy is not "unwanted". I want this child. But life dose not permit it right now. I have no money, and though Dragon has a steady job. It is doubtful he could support 3 of us happily. My body is not well. The nerves in my spine are continuing to degenerate where it was broken and discs were ruptured about 6 years ago. I can barely live comfortably in my own body, let alone allow a life to grow inside of me. 

..But this child, despite these things, is still not unwanted.

There is a small twinge in me. Despite what has felt like the deafening of "metaphysical" senses. I already feel this being within me. And it feels me. It feels my panic, and my distress. I am already attached to my "dragon egg" and I feel in a sense, that this inconvenient time in life,  is stealing away my baby. I feel wronged, and robbed.

I also feel like I am killing what would rightfully be; my firstborn child. And Dragons as well. It is tearing me apart inside. I am so unsure how to grieve about this.. which is what landed me on google in the first place. Is it so unusual that a mother, despite not carrying the baby to term, or even carrying through the first trimester.. would want to grieve?.. according to google it is.

In some ways I feel like if I am allowed to grieve in a more proper way, instead of snapping at people for no reason and crying at the drop of a hat for months after this.. Maybe I will be able to move on. Im quite afraid that I will be stuck regretting having the abortion for months, or even years.

I fully understand that now is not the right time. That I would be incapable of being "the perfect mother". Which to me, requires alot from myself. Alot that; at this moment in my life, I am unable to give. I suppose I could look at it, in a sense. That I am giving this child what is best for it.. I am not allowing it to be born to UnWed parents. I am not allowing it to be born into a life situation that is unstable. I will not be a young mother. And my baby will not be forced into a living situation that is less then favorable.

It is the best I can do for this baby. But if there was any way to tell it that, I would. That all of the above things are true. And that he or she is not an "unwanted child". This baby is "wanted". And it is already loved. But sometimes when you love something, you must let it go.

What have I become? My sweetest friend.

Everyone I know, Goes away in the end.

You could have it all..

My empire of dirt.

I will let you down, I will make you hurt.