letters that will never be sent..

how could I have ever loved you? how could I have dedicated myself to such a black hole? I hate you so much, but parts of me still love you. and its the parts of me that still love you are what leave me so confused.

fucking christ. I just want to hit things. I want destruction. I want something to take my mind of of the swirling clusterfuck of HOW THE SHIT DOSE THIS HAPPEN inside myself.

Yes Im hurt. I feel betrayed. I hate being lied to. and true, i never would have left him for you. But pieces of you belong to me still, just like pieces of me still belong to you. they always will.. THEY ALWAYS WILL. no matter how we try to rid ourselves, there is half a decade of time spanned between us. They are stuck forever, memories, habits, past times. pieces of our immortality.

we exchanged more than words and gestures in the years, we spent together. some time wasted, yes. but it was valuable lessons in the end.

I'm glad it was her, her of all people. I always saw you two matching. but WHY would you lie to me? in some ways I wish you had come out and said it. to my face. all those things you left unsaid and hidden inside. PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE LIES and missing puzzle pieces. its so typical of you.

Truly, she can have you. and your lower middle class ways. Your fucking lazy, and you will never change. You will work dead end job after dead end job trying to make ends meet living from paycheck to paycheck. And always in debt. Your love is lacking, and thats putting it generously. You are too quiet, not well spoken, ill educated and not worth my time.

..and yet still I dwell on you.

perhaps it is that I envy your confoundedness. 

You ability to seemingly just, ignore everything. it is a quality in you that always stirred the most hatred from me. Your blank stares, your silence. your lack of confidence. You are an asshole! I have seen the inside of you, and it is hollow and blank. The occasional utterance of words from your broken mouth are a rarity, and generally the result of desperation.

I could never hate you the way I want to, because I will always love you. And that is what makes me sick. You have and always will dissolve the walls I have so cleverly armored myself with. At times I wish you would disappear, but i could never be so fortunate. I think I am doomed and destined to be near you somehow.