Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here
I'm still preparing for tuesday. I dont think anything will get me ready for what is about to happen. I mean, I still dont even know how to feel about it. There is no emotion, feeling, perception, to encompass how I currently reside on the issue.
I'm busy getting the farm ready for not only my return, but this damned party of mine. That, I also do not know how to feel about. I am quite excited for it, but it is turning into something I had not planned on it becoming. I know im absolutely NOT going to feel like cleaning, organizing, doing laundry or anything of the like.. so I have tonight and tomorrow during the daytime to get ready.
I'm planning on leaving tomorrow evening and heading to Nekro (the club I, generally, frequent) and then afterwards heading down to Charleston. I'm sure its a dumb idea, as my appointment is at 8:45am. But I truly want to know if the people who are usually there (who mysteriously ended up on the guest list) are truly going, or if somebody just.. randomly invited them. Im still perplexed over that.
My outfit is layed out, and im still nervous as hell. I've gained at least 15lbs since I got pregnant. this is a significant amount, and wether I want to admit it or not.. it shows. I'm very unhappy about this, and plan on loosing as much as I can once i'm not carrying a living thing in me. Nobody there knows about me getting pregnant, so i'm sure they are going to see it as that "comfortable in a relationship" weight gain. ..meh.
I have been so stupidly tired lately. and stupidly ill. I spent most of last night vomiting.. and I wake up at 8am and am asleep by no later than 1am.. I cant believe it. I havent had a sleep schedule this normal and consistent since I was a child. I am not enjoying being knocked up, even if it has only been for a short while. My back has also been driving me insane lately. My first thought upon waking today was "ow ow ow.. omg can I move?.. yes, kind of."..." shit thats really out of place". the tip of my right shoulder blade feels like its going to explode. I dont know if its a pinched nerve or if a vertebrae is out of alignment. I hurts to take deep breathes, sneeze, cough.. damnit!
I am excited though, about going out tomorrow evening. its been almost 2 months or maybe even more, since I went out. and I have NEVER gone by myself! As odd as it seems, I feel like its new all over again. Then again, things are new. Things are different. The season has officially changed, and so have I. But I am unsure where this further metamorphosis -sans- catastrophe will bring me to in the end. I have been forced into change through trauma and less than favorable happenings before. It always seems to be the way of going in my life. Change is never a choice for me. Wether it be for the better or worse. Things just happen with me in this way.
This year holds alot for me. Its like staring up a mountain and down a bottomless pit simultaneously. Its really disorienting to look forward, because everything is so vast its entirely too monumental to even comprehend at this point. I think this is why I keep thinking about the past lately. but I have found it far less captivating than I use to.. This pleases me. I feel it means I'm ready to move on.
And as that tattoo on my wrist yells at me, almost daily, "adrenaline", to me.. it screams "JUST KEEP GOING, breathe in, breathe out, JUST KEEP GOING".
I'm ready, lets keep going..
If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep you myself
I would find a way
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