Smells like pine | version 2.0 |

welcome here summer..

you fill my head with silly ideas. <3

.:: Words I Cannot Speak::.

It is true, the beast dose have a heart..

Insomnia has settled on me once again. I find this to be my affliction any time summer rolls around. It seems to be impossible for me to ever keep a normal sleep schedule. I lay here in bed and my brain converses. and as I lay here remembering the past several months of my life, which have both crept, then flown by. I am left wishing I could tell him these things, right now.. and If he would listen, or hear me.. I have so many things I want to say to Dragon.

"Somewhere along the lines the stress demystified us both prematurely. We have seen the ugly sides of each other too soon, I believe. But it was a harsh reality we were bound to face. Despite this, I love you even more. And it has allowed me to love you wholly as YOU, and everything you are and can be.

Lately I have found myself detached and unwanting of any kind of attention of affection. the idea of interaction with anybody is like a hot knife on my skin. It is not that I do not want you, I have begun loosing faith in people. I still want you close, and I still want to connect with you. I just feel so bitter inside im afraid to connect with you for fear I will share that bitterness and hatred with you as well. I do not want to contaminate you with my disgusting emotions and thoughts.

I am plagued constantly with fears.. and every small thing around me only feeds into them; Just today, as I was leaving.. I saw one of your shirts by the end of your bed. I miss having them always in mine. Always having a pile of them to sleep with, all smelling of you. I know they have been worn more frequently by you now, as you work on our home... But I feel as if they have slowly made their way back to you.. I wonder sometimes if you do not wish for me to have them any longer.. And my beloved collar. Though it may not be a sign of my submission, or your ownership, to you, any longer. It represents something to me. A promise. Something that is untouchable. and as of recent, I feel that untouchable promise is being molested in every sense of the word. 

The little things that use to reassure me have begun to fall to pieces. Last night as we slept together, I felt our fingers intertwine as I slid my arm around you. For a brief second it seemed so perfect, and then I tore my hand from yours. I do not understand. I want you so badly, I want to be as close to you as I can be. I think it is because I am scared.

My love for you is unlike anything I have ever experienced before. It is almost as if it existed before we both lived. It has been like a fairy tale mixed with the grimmest nightmare. But everything has become extremely tangible and painstakingly real, quite suddenly. I look fondly on our first few months together, and then think of how much both of us have changed. Those moments seem a lifetime away now.

The one thing that has never changed is the fact that, I love you. I do not think one thing could ever change that. I have questioned our relationship in truth, only once. I dont need to remind you why. You have the proof on your hands. Despite that incident..Nothing could shake the undeniable link you and I have. 

I hate when you always think I am upset with you, twisting things you say, or trying and turn everything against you.. its not true. I wish so badly for you to stop thinking I am attempting to insult or hurt you. My only valid complaint of you thus far however, is I find your planning skills to be rather lacking.

I hate being in charleston so much. I loathe that place to the bottom of my soul. Every time I am there, your demeanor changes and you immediately become something very unlike what you are when you are "home". You force smiles, you exude stress and negativity. It makes you so hard to approach. At times I become so frustrated I just wan to stop trying.. But I cant stop. even if it hurts. I would die for you to be happy.

Soon, You will be here. In this tiny slice of dilapidated paradise. Together we will make this place shine, and we will make it our own. We will create our life together. Like I told you before.. My life with you is unlike my life with any other person. instead of searching for all of our puzzle pieces, we each had half to begin with. We have our boarder created. Now we just need to begin filling in the middle spots and snapping the large pieces in.. 

I never know how to say these things when I am near you. ..Maybe it is being tired that forces them out of me. But if you were here right now, I would tell you that I love you, again. And that nobody else in this world could, or will, ever mean as much to me as you do. 

I cant wait to spend the rest of everything with you."

Here is your AntiChrist SuperStar

From the outside I seem harmless enough. But if only the people who call me savior, hope, confidant, friend.. could see inside this shell. They would see a seething ravenous beast.

I lure unsuspecting people in with the promise of enlightenment, fun, and freedom from the haggard world they have been forced to commit to. The things they slave away at. I give hope to the people who "just need a break"... And Broken is what I give them.

Your young adults idolize me, because I seem so carefree and fun. They mold themselves into my image, which they perceive to be "alternative" and "trendy". They watch me consume every willing and fascinated living thing in my path.  Curious, they hunger for that power. They want want want to be just like me.. But I am like a plague, working slowly. By the time you get that tickle in your throat its already too late.

And then they begin to cough the lies and lures and hack up the malice I so cleverly planted. It brings in more unsuspecting souls to be my victims. (hey kids bring yer friends!). Then when their pain and fear become too much they turn to the substances I have so readily at my fingertips. And I feed them like I would feed a caged animal, or fading patient. And They devour all these things so willingly, but they dont even realize the substances are like sentinels. And nothing close to the escape routes, band-aids and blinders they were originally sold as. 

When the fevers and withdrawals come, when they are "lost", they beg for me to sit beside them. To console them. For me to help them through these situations I surely understand.. and oh how I do understand.. for I put you there, darling. and now you look upon me for safety and survival. for you have made me your largest idol.

But when their death comes, and they beg me to take their pain, to fix their problems and the mistakes they have made. I laugh. I tell them I have provided them with their answers. They have just lost their way. 

I leave them in the holes they dug so willingly, to writhe in darkness. Captives that enslaved themselves, for me.

Adults, are no less susceptible to my poison. I am not your typical shell. And of course, just like any beautiful thing. It lures them in. Everything about me is made to. The expressions I make, the way I move. My style of dress. But there is one thing to my advantage that I have not crafted myself. And that is my smell. Apparently I am far closer to feral than most of the general populous. 

Any male from the ages of adolescence to damn near death are generally captivated by me.. And if they are typical, they want me. Despite their doting wives, or knockout girlfriends. I have witnessed men crazed for just one taste of me they would sacrifice healthy love to have one savory night.. There is that certain spark in me that drives them to me like insects to electricity. I revel in this. For although they are not pure as children, there is still uses for the already tainted adult. 

I meet these grown people, and immediately they sense "something different". And driven by that natural instinct to have what is exotic or uncommon, they seek validation of even the most fleeting of friendships. They learn the things I make available for them, and accept what I create for them to perceive.. And immediately I become a walking pharmacy, or a free therapist. I seem empathetic to them. And in the current world, thats all that people seek; to be heard and "understood". In giving them that they feel bonded with me. As if they can trust me.

I learn their secrets. I learn about their daily lives.. and I hear alot of "ive never said this to anybody before"'s. I allow them to feel connected with me. I tell them bits of my horrible past, because in truth the life I have had could make any good man, go bad. It makes them feel for me. ..Feeling anything for me is what empowers me. To kill me, you must feel nothing at all. But this world is a melting pot of emotion. Because of this, I will always prevail and survive.

In the wake of all of this, there are the people who feel I have betrayed them. In truth, they simply lost their value to me. I used them to the best of their abilities and I left them to die. Behind me is always a trail of carcasses and deep mass graves. The cries for help, the deafening emptiness inside from what I've taken. And the blinding feeling of loneliness. That is all that ever comes of me. Rot, corruption, hate, the end.

 I am your modern day devil, your death dealer, a god who cant be stopped. I am a self proclaimed megalomaniac. And you all love me. 

The Devil is female, and you have found her.

.:: F orward ::.

When I get back from hell again
I'm gonna be so elegant
The relevance of my benevolence is evident

When you lose your mind

Is when you start to find your soul unfold
This morning when I woke up
All the thoughts that I had just broke up
Broken fragments of my dreams left me choked up
Distant memories I'd repressed all spoke up
This was something that I wasn't expecting
My dreams solidified and started asking me questions
And the deeper I looked into their hate-filled eyes
I realised they were you, only in disguise

So I jumped to my feet
How the fuck did I become so weak?
Too soon did I admit defeat
I grabbed a pen and start writing to the beat
And I wrote:
When I get back from hell again
I'm gonna be so elegant
The relevance of my benevolence is everything
As time went by
I realised you can't just drop out
But I'm telling you man
It's hard to block out
The sound that rebounds and resounds
And resounds again
Off the walls of my mind
'cause I miss my... friend
But now I'm on a mission to mend
Everything that broke and make it glisten again
Strip down redesign construct and improve
While the rest procrastinate I'll be making my move
I hope in years to come I've elevated
But chances are I'll be inebriated
But that's cool

As long as my mind ain't sedated
And the things that I've learned
Haven't been erased and wasted
When you forget about the hand you're dealt
All that really matters is the things you've felt
So fuck it, bring on the good and bad times

When I get back from hell again
I'm gonna be so elegant
The relevance of my benevolence is evident 

.:: I rresponsible Hate Anthem ::.

I am the animal who will not be herself.

.Fuck It.

..:: IN SOM NIA ::.

I'm so tired, of being tired.


It is impossible for me to sleep without Dragon beside me, or a strong kick in the head from some sort of sleep aid, or sleep inducing substance.


My stress level lately is through the roof. And I can barely take it all anymore. between Dragon moving in, finishing school, and working still, Danni's home problems, Danni (possibly) running away, All of my animals seemingly misbehaving at exactly the same moment, the constant need of shit i cant afford..
Fucking christ I could go on all night.


And when I lay here in bed, and try to close my eyes. All I can think about is all these issues.


I dont think I will be able to afford sacred earth.. and I have begun to come to terms with this.. I'm Ok with it. but it dosent make me happy.. If I dont go to Sacred Earth I can buy myself -some- new clothes, I can get some things for the house I have been desperately needing/ wanting for a long time. And maybe I can even have some left over to put away.


Its funny, how monetary issues can really beat the kid out of you.. In a more relevant term for myself, its beaten the raver kid out of me.
I'm so down about it. I did it all last summer, all last minute and not a fucking cent to my name.. somehow I still partied my ass off. but I'm STILL paying for it in the long run. With more than just money-debt.


I'm irritated as fuck right now. About all this bullshit. I snapped on Dragon several times earlier tonight, and I'm even more pissed off now at myself for that. I'm worried he thinks i'm trying to push him away. I'm worried I offend him by not letting him buy me things. To a certain extent I will allow him to purchase everyday things.. but I just feel so awkward and weird, even thinking of allowing him to buy me things like bras and underwear (something I need desperately). Sometimes I think I should just give in, but then he starts talking about how short on money he is. and it confuses the living crap out of me, and just makes me want to SCREAM. WHICH IS IT!?!?


I'm still debating what to do about sacred earth. truly, it will be determined by how much cash I receive for my birthday. but I feel like every little bit I get, seems to trickle out of my hands or..hell.. sometimes i think that shit just evaporates.


I'm so glad nobody is around right now at this ungodly hour to see me so freaked out. I'm so confused and mad and sad and upset. I'm wound up so tight inside my head, nothing seems plausible anymore just constant nagging in the back of my brain. Of things I cant do, things I cant own, places I cant go. Everything is just one more "add it to the list" necessity. Something that will come in time with patience and perseverance.


I'm done telling myself "just one more week", or "hold out for a little while longer". I'm done with this tense and nervous shit, Ive reach my breaking point. Sometimes I really want  to go back to my chaos and disorder. Pulling bills out of thin air, and living for the moment.


Constantly, I'm reasoning myself against it.. to not indulge and not splurge. to not spend every cent that I have. but life takes care of that for me. every dollar I get seems to go into some animals mouth. ..I got a check today for $50, and that is going to buy grain, cat food (for 3 cats), and paying for me to go out to dinner with Jamie for her birthday. I will be LUCKY to have $10 left over from all that. It drives me crazy.


Dragon keeps telling me to make lists of the shit I need. I dont even know where to start.. Razors, bleach, cat litter, cat food, carpet cleaner, toilet cleaner, FOOD FOR ME TO EAT, toilet paper, light bulbs, face wash, sleeping pills, mouth wash, ..this list could go on for fucking ever too. 
and I would feel terrible even asking him for -any- of these things. I felt like a terrible person last sunday when I grabbed a can of Hairspray for prom. I was like "what the hell am I doing?!".


His generosity and genuine nature is unlike anybody I have ever met before. I love him for it. but its difficult for me to accept him doing these things. I dont want to make him feel like he has to support me. its not that I dont appreciate it.. but I'm afraid of it. I dont want it coming back to bite me in the ass..


I dont know what the hell to do. I dont want to give up the one thing ive been looking forward to since the goddamned snow first thawed. ive been planning this trip since i can remember.. and now I'm most likely going to have to give it up.

FUCK!

..:: C onversations in my head ::.

I have to block out thoughts of you, so I don't lose my head

There's a burning in my pride, and a nervous bleeding in my brain

Then there is the one thing that always tore us apart

It is the one thing I won't touch again

In a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night

While I was busy waging wars on myself, 

You were trying to stop the fight

So I'll drive so fucking far away that I'll never cross your mind

And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind

I have given you all I can, I have given you everything I have. Along with everything I am, I've pledged to dedicate my future and all I can be to you. But there is for now a small hidden piece, I feel I cant surrender. Not now, or maybe ever.

I hope you will forgive me, in this way it could always remain. I think its the piece of me that will always be in the other soul I turned away.

Hate me today

Hate me tomorrow

Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you

.:: Diamond eyes ::.

I will take you away with me

Once and for all

Now I know how, now I know why. I never should have dared asked that question.

"How could I have ever loved you?"

I couldn't answer my own question with words.. There is no word for that feeling.

..I defy even myself... How could I?

Time will see us realign

Diamonds reign across the sky

Shower me into the same

Realm