Another Life

"I'm shell-shocked from some heavy blows

A stranger to the people I know

They who used to say "she never had a down day"

Now I'm holding on to can't let goes

And silence brings no peace"

Absolute agony, the want to curl up and die. Anything would feel better than I feel right this very second. Ever since I was a teen, and first began bleeding like a dying animal I have always had issues. But none so bad as they have been for the past 2 years. After I quit taking birth control I did not bleed for almost a year, and then when I did it came back with a vengeance.. then mysteriously would disappear occasionally. Unto which it would it would scare the ever living shit out of me. Recently, since I started seeing Dragon this past September and everything has suddenly -really- come back, with regularity and vengeance.


I blame it on pure primal instinct. My body recognizes that Dragon is the Alpha, and he is a well suited mate. Therefore, its screaming "BREED WITH ME". I do not appreciate this, though I do quite agree.. Though do not appreciate the manner my body is communicating in. I have never experienced such crippling, body wracking, goosebumps making, chill invoking cramps. The violent mood swings and blackest most irrational bouts of depression (I'm talking going from hunky-dory at noon to ready to kill myself by 5pm and fine again by 9pm). 


Im so done with it. On top of all of this, a few weeks ago I had strep and was taking antibiotics, which I have a feeling I was not prescribed on on long enough of a dosage. I feel exactly as I did this past summer when I had Mono. fuck. my. life. My throat is swollen on the right side so bad I can barely swallow anything, my appetite has seemingly vanished, and my middle back is so sore that it sometimes hurts to breathe. Oh, yes, and I occasionally spike random high fevers. JOY! This on top of getting my cycle this morning was just a goddamn kick in the nuts I seriously sometimes wish I had.


I do not wish to go home. I want to curl up with Dragon and just cry and cry. I dont want to deal with all the shit at home. I hate going home alone, being without him there. Though after this weekend I do feel substantially better about the main reason I never wanted to be there. The main reason I was having such an issue with my house was the fact that my ex fiancee and I remodeled it last year before we moved in.. and the house itself just constantly was a reminder to me that he is no longer around. 


Saturday night I acquired a considerable amount of mushrooms from a friend of mine, and Dragon and I proceeded to have a grand time with said friend, and my best friend. Halfway through my trip I came and sat down on my bed and just.. thought. and thought. thought about how much I am in love with Dragon, and how he has changed my life so much since we started dating. I also figured out our official "anniversary date" is November 4th 2009. I became his collared slave on December 19th 2009. It seems like we have been together so much longer, but I think its because we did it "right". We saw each other for a considerable amount of time before we really started dating.
Sitting on my bed I turned to the last remaining thing I was keeping close of Dustin's, dug it out from between my mattresses, walked into the kitchen and stuffed it into my trash can. good-fucking-bye. I returned to my spot on the bed, and felt an entirely new sense of "im over this". Like I had disposed of the very last piece that was left to torment me. And now, I lament no more.


Now Im sitting here waiting for Dragon to get home from work. I hate sometimes how clingy we are to each other. I really have begun to let loose with it, and I think he might actually be enjoying it.. I'm just scared it will end up pushing him away in the end. We are both so very alike,  almost as if we are each others twin. ha, imagine that.. Two Geminis.


In other Stellar news, I've started outlining my website so I can finally finish it. Such a bastard child.. I also got a complete sketch done and outlined last week, as well as a painting, an entire set of fluffies (leg warmers) and fixed my corset. I want so badly to do what I want, how I want. And I was SO damned close last year. If im not back to where I desire to be by May, I will have totally failed myself.. and then I really will curl up and die.

These hands!! I can't get them off my wrists!

"Dear Die-ary, today I stuffed some dolls full of dead rats I put in the blender. I'm wondering if, maybe, there really is something wrong with me."


I have spent the greater part of the day dragging my ass around my house. Staring out the windows, grumbling about the weather and itching my skin off. Anxiety blows giant chunks. I simply hate ice, I refuse to leave the house. y parents bribed me with money to leave the house today and even my broke-as-all-hell-and-needs-food self couldnt bear to even stick the key in the ignition of my truck.


Later in the evening the creativity monster sunk its teeth into me and I started ripping pieces from its mouth and smearing them onto canvasses and bristol.. and cardboard. Once I became satisfied with my projects and surveyed my bedroom.. and myself to come to find that during one of the canvas washes I had splattered myself in blood red acrylic. It always seems to go as such. I come out of these things truly looking like I was draining myself of bits of me. I am quite pleased. it has been such a long time since I was capable of not only two consecutive nights of art-making. But I now have 4 projects started, and tomorrow i plan to start at least 3 more.


I so desperately want to once again be able to make a living off my art. and there is no better way to begin, but to start making things to show.


It annoys the piss out of me that I allowed my ex-finance to call me a "drugged up club whore".. and then allow it to be as such. for several months. The self loathing in regards to almost all the decisions I made several months ago is truly agonizing. if i had pushed myself continuously the way I was at this very time last year, I could be making a "full time" paycheck. God. Damnit.
I'm trying to hard to stir up that same driving force within myself that kept me on top for so many years. I use to be so proud of the fact that I was a highschool dropout and was doing everything "they" said I would never be able to. Now I truly am (mostly) your typical highschool dropout.. except quit a bit more spoiled. I dont work in fast food, and I dont live with my parents, and my IQ is slightly above average. ugh..


I am a workhorse at heart. And its been sickening me to look in the mirror every day and watch myself become less and less me.And more and more of the things and people I hate. I told myself yesterday on the drive home from Dragon's that it was time to suck it the fuck up. And do it myself or get over it and give up, and find some piece of shit job.


I wont subject myself to a mainstream piece of shit life. I am me. And I always seem to take the hard route. If I didnt have Dragon, I suspect my breakup would have absolutely crushed me. There is no doubt in my mind I'd be locked up the the local psychiatric ward. Dragon has made me see my true value, and that somebody really dose care about me. He makes me believe I am worth something, and for once in my life.. I really need to. He is my inspiration in so many aspects. 

Sometimes I wake up and forget where I am.

eh..
Dear internets.

Today I decided I hate things. Lots of things. especially getting 24 of the exact same goddamned text messages from one of my very best friends. It kind of made me want to put my cellphone into a blender.
I love my friends to death. But it seems that they never know when the hell to shut up sometimes. ..or acquire a sense of what is truly funny. I seriously had to wrestle with my LG EnV to turn my ringer off, as it proceeded to beep 72 fucking times. Jesus..

I also decided that if anybody ever raises his or her voice to me while I'm trapped in a vehicle or small space.. I'm going to put my pinkies in their tear ducts and twist. Regardless of if said vehicle is moving, and I'm not driving, or even if voice-raised-person has a magical key to get us both out of said small space.

My mind is just roiling with a sense of bad. Bad bad bad.. I have so much crap that needs to get done. I finally managed to inform myself of how terribly useless I have been the past couple of months. Letting things at my home go untouched and uncleaned for so long. The mess is record breaking and monumental. Which is why I'll be leaving Dragon's tonight to drag my ass home to get started on the miserable feat of separating myself from him.. and doing what I'm suppose to. Not what I want.

..ITS NOT ALWAYS ABOUT ME GADDAMIT!.. contrary to pop-lar bee-leaf


yea, thats right, sometimes its YOURE FAULT TOO..




I'm not looking forward to spending tonight until friday afternoon by myself. As Dragon is my Master, I have a very difficult time coming away from him. I tend to get horribly depressed and very tired, reclusive. I understand its bad, but pretty typical in the kind of relationship we have. I've never been in a relationship where I could rationalize the drop of emotions feeling of emptiness when I was separated from my significant other.

Generally when I am away from Dragon I will not ever remove my collar. I cant bring myself to be that naked and without him. When my collar is off I feel like I am vulnerable and exposed in ways not even showing my nude body to a crowd of ravenous men would provoke in me.

Many people find it incredibly offensive to my (supposed) nature that I am a collared slave. Truly, I am Dragons pet Pony Girl. I have never been happier or felt more complete. He takes the very best care of me, and goes out of his way from time to time to do so. I have always felt naturally inclined to be a pony. Dragon allows me to be myself, more than anybody I have ever known. Even my own Family.

What I hate most of all, I have decided.. is being away from Dragon. 

A letter to the Editor

I refuse to trap myself in a position where I can get screamed at, yelled at, blamed, forced against my will, etc. Because of stupid. ass. shit.

Just because someone is upset with another, especially in a relationship dose it give them the power, ability or right to place blame on the other. I cant fucking stand it. I especially cannot tolerate the "one-uppery" that goes on. I dont want to hear about other people my significant other has so much as breathed next to. Let alone rendering the balls to compare me to some.. person they previously have been involved with. Even for the sake of explanation.

In my little world it is unacceptable to come at me with unrealistic qualms and then blame me when they are not even close to the truth. Its not even remotely acceptable to get mad at me for something you suspect I might be feeling. There is a huge reason I do not share the bulk of my emotions and thoughts with those close to me. They generally dont coincide with my facial expressions or body language. My body could be saying "fuck me" and my mind is thinking " gee I really wish I had some miso soup right about now"..
It makes people think i'm lying, leading them on. My favorite is when I've wrapped up inside myself and am having a wonderful daydream.. and then somebody will ask me (no..wait) TELL ME something is wrong. and insist i'm in a bad mood because of some dumb-ass expression thats been dripping off my face for the past fifteen goddamned minutes.

No, I'm not upset. I just despise everybody right now, and my fuckyou meter is at capacity.

Dose this color of blue go well with my bruises?

"I believe everything you say 
Cuz' you're not frightened
the way I've been so
So I'll follow you"

The sickening optimist in me wont let me just sit. It seems I cant ever be alone, even when i'm alone. 

I hate being in such a foul mood. Why? Who would know, but one might think I could understand my own dimensions. Never. Always.

I have two homes that i'm never home in. I cant ever wait to get on the highway. To sit in my truck, to know i'm nowhere but I know where I am.

I sometimes feel like the direction my life takes will always be a split path. Pulling myself in two will never get old. But i'm so tired of it. When will I be happy with just what I have? Will I ever be comfortable with what I'm doing? I use to tell myself that I was doing it for me, but which one?

I doubt I'll ever get over this wound I made in myself. I'll walk this world with blood on my hands, and rejoice when it never clots and scabs and heals. I'll always wear my heart on my sleeve, I deserve this.. repent, repent, repeat. 

Sometimes it feels like im getting closer. Like I have something tangible to be, and somebody in my life I can let go and love. I always will doubt it, all.  Im so scared to release myself from this hell that has trapped me for so long. I suppose its the familiarity of the struggle and constant suffocation I feel. I cant remember what its like to breathe and not feel guilty.

I'll never be good enough, just for me.

Prioritize this, asshats

I cant stand not having a dump for my digital life, and real life.

..fuck it.

So here it is, screw livejournal. though my loyalty to their servers has been unmatched for nearly a decade, just as I said in my ending entry, it is time for change. That place is no longer me.

Hello Blogspot, I am Pwny. Generic name, but far easier to not only remember but pronounce than both my artist name ( Defyie ) and my "legal" name ( Alicia ). I'm the crazy girl, and I bring the party with me. My life revolves around my Man, my animals, my art, and my social life..

My social life is where its at. I guess you could say I'm a bit spoiled. I spend most of the week either by myself in my empty farmhouse entertaining myself dicking around with my animals, and my Best friend Danni. Or with my Master, Dan, or Dragon. We are in a 24/7 Master-Slave relationship. The only drawback to this is He lives about an hour and a half downstate from me. This provides me with plenty of scheduling problems. but we deal with it.

I live perpetually for Monday nights. Dragon and I attend Nekromancy, an industrial-goth EBM night at our local club. Ive met some of my better friends there.. actually, it is where I met Dragon.

I seem to always going in every direction. One of my favorite things to do, is drive my red F150 all over the midwest to go to music festivals and go on adventures. Mostly I stay in my homestate, IL. but I've been known to voluntarily travel outside the state just to get some highway driving done. oh yea. If im not up to something, im generally up to no good.

My horse and I have been a team since 2003, and I have been riding since I was 9. I'm currently 21. At one point in my life I was aspiring to be a semi-professional rider. but things happen, dreams change. And I decided to chill for a few years. I still ride, and Berry and I are still one hell of a team. but we have more fun now doing our own thing, than worrying about ride times and getting my neon-colored hair shoved under my show helmet.

Beyond being alive, and living every second to its fullest. I seldom have time for shy, laid back, or sheepish. Everything about my life is bold, loud, in your face and exhilarating. I'd like to think im every bit the opposite of what I use to be growing up. Life pushes me forward, blink and an opportunity can be gone. I'm an Adrenaline junkie, I cant help but "just keep going".

Carpe' Diem motherfucker!