Its over now. its been nearly a week, and I still sometimes get so stuck on Tuesday the 13th. The morning was early, and both Dragon and I were so morse, that it was hard to breathe. The drive to the clinic felt like hours. And once we were there, there was this shocked feeling that was constantly reverberating throughout my entire being.
..I was really here, this was really happening.
I was able to remain in a numb state, and put on the "everything is going to be ok" / "im the infallible pwny" face. The nurses spent most of the morning prepping me, doing blood work and my ultrasound.
I was 6 weeks, and 2 days along. I also got to see the baby, the ultrasound tech was understanding, if not entirely sympathetic. I think she was very surprised when I asked her as she was getting ready to leave if I could see what was suppose to be, my frist born child. She even took the time to explain how to read the sonogram, and point out everything that was in the picture.
I tried not to look Dragon in the eye for those few moments before they called me back one final time. I couldnt bear it, I knew I could not let on to him how hard it truly was for me.. All I can remember after taking my hand off of Dragons and walking into the surgery rooms, was getting undressed. I briefly remember going under, and then waking back up and being exceedingly disoriented and bawling my eyes out.
It hurt, oh my god, did it hurt! I laid there and cried and cried. Both women (the counselor and the doctor) who were in the room during the procedure were incredibly nice women. I believe they were quite possibly the most accommodating and sweetest professionals I have ever been taken care of by.
Even in my loopy state I can still very clearly remember them both being so very kind to me. After all was said and done, I was given 20 minutes to recover. I was offered more time, but upon becoming more conscious directly after the abortion had occurred, all I wanted was Dragon. All I wanted was for him to hold me, and for those few minutes to know that everything was going to be ok.
But like I usually am in a time of great sadness, fear and distress.. I was alone. And I decided that for once in my life. Instead of holding it in, all those feelings I was experiencing. I was going to let it out. I cried. I cried for the entire 20 minutes I was back there. I cried for the child I had now sacrificed.. someday to be returned to Dragon and I, when we are ready. I cried for the pain i was experiencing, both physical, mental, even spiritual. I cried because I was embarrassed and felt robbed, empty, and above all violated.
I shook, I cried, I fell asleep and cried some more. and When the counselor/ nurse returned for the 4th time, I asked if I could dress. She seemed very unsure that I was ok, but I assured her that what I needed more than anything was my best friend.. I didnt even say boyfriend. because after that, Dragon is more than my lover, my boyfriend, my potential life mate. Dragon is my Best Friend.
I walked into the waiting room, and he was not there. I knew he wouldn't ever have left. He confessed later after I had found him sitting outside in the sun, that he had come outside because he was having a panic attack.
He was just as frightened of this entire ordeal as I was..possibly more.
I didnt tell him I had cried. I tried to make it as clear to him as I could, that everything would be fine. And so it has.
Truth be told, at the time, I was lying. I was trying so desperately to not allow everything to weigh upon either of us, so we could move on as quickly as possible. Its not something I will soon, or possibly ever forget. But I felt that if we didnt move forward, away from it, it would ruin our relationship.
The thing is, since the abortion, I have felt more "me" than ever before. I have felt happy, at peace. I can finally find the unity in this world again. I do not feel as if everything is so ugly and dark anymore. I also feel much closer with Dragon. So happy with him, to be his, to be with him. I feel as if he completes me.
And I have a sense..of.. I dont even know how to describe it. I think it was because he was there for me, and even though I was very traumatized, I remained strong for him. Which in a sense, proved to me that I am still strong. And I can still do things that even I feel are impossible.
The feelings of emptiness still overcomes me, and sometimes I worry that my unborn child felt what went on. I have a distinct memory burned into my brain of waking up and staring into the bright lights of the operating room, and feeling the immense pain as they ended the procedure. I have tried hard to erase it, to forget just that one that I have. But its ingrained so deeply already I am afraid it will remain. My gory nightmarish souvenir to those few months in my life where I felt without passion, without hope, and without myself.
I told myself that if a human life, even one as precious as what a child between Dragon and I would have been, had to be sacrificed to make me be alive in my own body again. Then so be it. I had never felt more dead in my life. And how unfair it was for Dragon. Sometimes I said things to him that truly made no sense, and I really did not mean.
I never want to have to experience that, or anything like it again. I try desperately to not think of it. I have not cried about it since the day it happened. I feel like when I cried in the recovery room, it was truly cleansing and righting myself. I had never done that before.. just cried. Just let it go.
Now I know what it feels like to be alright again..
It's been so long
Since I've heard the sound, the sound of my own hope
This time I will be listening
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