I try to kill it all away..But I remember everything.
When I search through google, preparing myself for post-abortion-depression, all the kept coming up was "unwanted pregnancy". The phrase fills me with such terror and grief. I suppose maybe it is because, at one point in my life, I WAS an "unwanted pregnancy" and later on, an unwanted child.
On friday Dragon picked up a couple of home tests for me, as my body had been acting strangely. A bit like I was sick, and possibly pregnant. After several seconds my screen stopped flashing; and there it was.. "Pregnant". In bold letters. I shook the stick, I blinked, set it back down.. picked it up. the result had not changed. But upon that moment, my very life had.
Some time after seeing Dragon for many months, I realized I was in love with him, when the idea of carrying our own "dragon egg" became appealing to me. It has only become more so with time, and with our discussion on the subject. Problem being, we had never discussed what would happen should something unexpected happen..
Long ago, I always felt that if the time ever came for me to have an abortion, I would face it without hesitation or upset. I would be unmoved by the supposed aggravation of being" invaded on by some leech in my womb". I find that to be grossly untrue now. I think a large reasoning for this is that, truly, my pregnancy is not "unwanted". I want this child. But life dose not permit it right now. I have no money, and though Dragon has a steady job. It is doubtful he could support 3 of us happily. My body is not well. The nerves in my spine are continuing to degenerate where it was broken and discs were ruptured about 6 years ago. I can barely live comfortably in my own body, let alone allow a life to grow inside of me.
..But this child, despite these things, is still not unwanted.
There is a small twinge in me. Despite what has felt like the deafening of "metaphysical" senses. I already feel this being within me. And it feels me. It feels my panic, and my distress. I am already attached to my "dragon egg" and I feel in a sense, that this inconvenient time in life, is stealing away my baby. I feel wronged, and robbed.
I also feel like I am killing what would rightfully be; my firstborn child. And Dragons as well. It is tearing me apart inside. I am so unsure how to grieve about this.. which is what landed me on google in the first place. Is it so unusual that a mother, despite not carrying the baby to term, or even carrying through the first trimester.. would want to grieve?.. according to google it is.
In some ways I feel like if I am allowed to grieve in a more proper way, instead of snapping at people for no reason and crying at the drop of a hat for months after this.. Maybe I will be able to move on. Im quite afraid that I will be stuck regretting having the abortion for months, or even years.
I fully understand that now is not the right time. That I would be incapable of being "the perfect mother". Which to me, requires alot from myself. Alot that; at this moment in my life, I am unable to give. I suppose I could look at it, in a sense. That I am giving this child what is best for it.. I am not allowing it to be born to UnWed parents. I am not allowing it to be born into a life situation that is unstable. I will not be a young mother. And my baby will not be forced into a living situation that is less then favorable.
It is the best I can do for this baby. But if there was any way to tell it that, I would. That all of the above things are true. And that he or she is not an "unwanted child". This baby is "wanted". And it is already loved. But sometimes when you love something, you must let it go.
What have I become? My sweetest friend.
Everyone I know, Goes away in the end.
You could have it all..
My empire of dirt.
I will let you down, I will make you hurt.
No comments:
Post a Comment